Sometimes it’s like we’re made of plastic and we break so easily. Other times, we refuse to break and steel ourselves hard so it will never be as bad as we think it to be. We try to bend and break, but try as we may our minds are forcing us to shake and cling on to hope even it’s an absurd idea.
I’m writing this post with my family in mind. I feel like I just watched a movie this weekend, with all the happy parts in color and the sad parts in black and white. No, this is not another sad post about how writing gets me so down but rather how my family really makes no sense sometimes. I just want out of it all. I hate drama and I hate making everything more intense than it is. Life is already a long journey, don’t try to make it more intense than it is. You’re only setting yourself up for more tears. Tears which no one wants to see, so go ahead put them away. I’m waiting. You done? This could take awhile you say? Well, that’s too bad because that’s what you said about finishing that one thing and then that other thing. What is the point of all this anyway?
Since I don’t know what I’m doing (and tell people so sometimes) I really just try to be content in the moment. That’s what it’s all about. I know I’m not about to be half the person that my mother is or even what my father is but I don’t know if I would want to. Sure, they’re great people. Are they great in their thoughts and ideas? Maybe, but maybe not. But, hey that’s all cool. I’m not supposed to hate on them for that anyway. What I’m really doing is trying to lay the foundation for myself. Problem is I don’t know what the heck that foundation is or how to get there. So many questions and so many little ways of answering them. Story of me at the moment.
So if nothing goes according to the always changing plan (that plan being get a job, get out, travel, or go to grad school and teach far away) then I’ll just write my head away into the clouds. Like I might have said in another post, I don’t know anything else. I really don’t. Who knows who the heck reads these, because they do get posted on my twitter and tumblr (sometimes) but if you are reading then know this: It doesn’t get better. You might as well know that now. It gets worse before it gets better is a better thing to say, if you ask me (this is not referring to LGBT issues or anything, it’s just life in general). I’m going to keep writing this blog. I’m going to help people and I’m going to ignore the negativity around me because it does nothing. I don’t have time to be sad, when life is already so overdramatic sometimes.
As a precaution also that nothing works out, I’m still going to read books. I’m still hoping to be on someone’s awesome list for something. I’m watching people I went to high school with get married and have kids and settle in life. And I’m just…here. I don’t want to travel to be an impact, not necessarily. No, I want to do things for my own personal happiness too. Because that is important too, is it not. I thought so. Well, just in case anyone wanted to know I am still searching. For myself. For what I want. For who I want. For a best friend, because really I’ve never had one and hey, life is lonely sometimes when everyone else is gone off but you.
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” –Albert Einstein