My life has changed dramatically in the past three months alone. I went from not being able to speak in front of a large group of people to doing it on the regular (still can’t really do it well though). I went from growing my self-confidence to doubting it all at same time. I learned so much and worked to apply all that I learned in sessions, however I faltered when it came to real-world scenarios. I was drifting someplace. To where I did not know and when I would stop I also did not know.
I’d like to say that I am on my way to figuring it out somewhat, but it is still taking me time to understand what I want from myself in order to be the most successful version of myself that I can be. Setting goals and prioritizing those goals is a work in progress. I haven’t lost sight of what I want the ultimate goal to be, however I fear that I am still an outsider in a world I do not understand. That the invisible wall surrounding this dream will break at any moment and all of it will come crashing down. However, another day comes and I know that I have not failed yet. I have instead found a way to embrace the failure and let myself not be dictated by what I should be doing vs. what I could be doing. It’s all relative anyway.
The title of this post reflects the feeling of being overwhelmed that overtakes me every day now. I am working on building myself up, but can’t seem to grow out of the fear that I will fail and fail miserably. But, it’s ok because I can’t expect to succeed quickly. I can’t expect to win at everything. I can expect that I will get better and try harder to learn more everyday. It’s the best I can hope for at this point.
What it means to do that is not always an easy road. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you enjoy in order to begin doing the things that you know will lead to great joy . Maybe this means you need to give up on a great job in favor of an amazing opportunity. In a time when doors are slowly opening for you, will you close the door or open it?
Since we’re talking about me here, I’ll open the door. Not without a little pondering first though. A little thinking on my part that is what I’m doing even worth my time? It’s one of those killer thoughts, that keeps you up at night staring at the ceiling and around your room, squinting in the dark at various things in your room. So, do I take the leap of faith or pretend that it will be fine if I do not?
The worst that can happen is that I will fail and fail miserably. This is not a hypothesis, its a fact. The greatest that can happen is that I will just barely succeed, because uncertainty is the brink of all meltdowns. Someone might be on the brink of one soon, if they don’t figure out how to help everyone at the same time.
Isn’t that what all the good people want? To help everyone? Well, help most people anyway (we can’t help them all; a fact that must be acknowledged). I want to help those that feel like they need help but don’t know how to ask for it. I want to give others the push they didn’t know they needed, because it will also give me that push.
Since I am still giving myself that push to push others, I will make myself do the hard things. The hard things are hard for a reason. In times of difficulty, I’ll work hard to stay strong.
I’ll work hard to make sure I am still doing what makes me happy and what I truly love.
If there’s one thing I know it’s that a great support system will take you far. I know that not all people might have actual people like this in their lives, but an online group of like-minded people or at least approachable and encouraging folks could be found as well.
No one really knows what they’re looking for. Seeking and seeking all the time is what endless amounts of writers claim to do. Maybe this one too, however this writer is conscious of the end goal. To be truly honest and raw with oneself is a trait that more people might be opening towards, however it is still difficult to practice the words “look at yourself in the mirror and tell me who you see.” Often what is seen is not the person that wants to be standing there. It’s a hard truth to come to terms with, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
You are great. You are already well on your way to achieving your goals, even if you don’t think so. Instead of writing them down, do some of them. Try to do the things that make you stop and think more often than not. Reflection is powerful force. All the tools you could ever need are inside your head and your heart.
Life is uneventful, until it is. When it appears that you are “busy” and engaged, then you forget to take time for yourself. Forget about the small things like reading a great book. Forget about how lost you are.
It’s probably in times of great heartache that we feel the need to collapse. To regain footing as it were. However, one can be sure of what they want when faced with two decisions: Do something or do nothing. For most people, the decision falls into the latter. Perhaps it’s the reminder of not having to stress about things in the past. What’s happened has happened. There is no getting around this fact.
It’s probably a great sacrifice to dedicate time to oneself. It’s a stretch to imagine that others around one would be interested in taking part in this clean mind activity as well. Because it is a cleaning of the mind that can have effective results. What are those results? Probably different depending on who is asked.
It’s probably a great time to take five. Take a break. Sleep, meditate, and walk. It’s not as though others will be joining in at this part. Hard work is usually a solo affair and the moments following this need to be solo as well.
Take time for yourself. Take time to breathe and know you are doing just fine.
It would seem that the world is on the brink of something again. Or maybe it always was and I just decided not to pay attention. Whichever way you look at it, from any angle, there is something turning. A quarter or two might have fallen into the age-old pot of desires and dreams that you think you have.
You don’t need to resolve to do anything if you can’t resolve why you got out of bed today. The simple things are the easy things that take time to do in everyday life. The things taken for granted which you don’t always think about, but matter so much.
So, ok maybe you don’t make goals. You wonder, though how to better yourself. How to be a better “version” of yourself, as people like to say. How, then to go about adjusting the sails on your thought boat?
Think of it this way: New hopes are not structured like goals might be, making them a bit hazier. So you have new hopes. You have low hopes and you have high hopes, but none of those hope-y things are really goals (at least, not in your mind).
So it’s likely that you’ll keep hoping and you’ll keep wondering your next step. It’s not something you or I will admit but we have a failure of being brave.
As I watched the Disney film Brave today, I was reminded that it takes courage to say what you want to do and mean it. It takes determination to want to do and be someone different. It might mean stepping outside of your comfort bubble, but when you do you will be more steadfast in your maybe goals for the future. Aren’t Disney movies great? I’m feeling exuberant about nothing and everything.
So, be hopeful. Be watchful. The world is waiting.
It would seem that people are always going to be misguided in some way. They might say that no, not me. I’m perfect. I’m a shining star. However, at some point or another most all of us have fallen prey to the idea that we could be greater than ourselves, greater than what we can afford to be. It’s not a worthless idea, in fact, its good to have dreams as it keeps the mind healthy and active (source: me). The problem arises when the ideas are not realistic and are set into motion anyway.
Maybe you really like bowling, but you haven’t done it for a while. Whenever you do play, its strikes all around though because you’re just that good. Everyone wants you on their team. They tell you to join a bowling league. You think it could be cool, so why not? is what you ask yourself. So cool, now you’re a bowler. Now what? Basically, you start to think about other things you could be doing that are out of your everyday life. What about quitting your job and becoming a YouTuber? What about traveling to South America, because you have that thing called wanderlust and need to travel, according to some article you read. Of course, you could have the idea that you move to Canada because healthcare is free. All of these ideas and “goals” are based on a logic that you are failing in what you are currently doing. Don’t buy into that. Why?
Because YouTube is hard. Maybe 11 years ago it was cool to start a new channel and be someone big, but now many of the big stars of YouTube have an agent, or contract, or company that they work for. There is also a lot of sponsored content as well. It’s not all bad, though fooling ourselves into believing we will be great stars overnight without a large team behind us may not work out as we hoped. You also don’t need to travel. When we lust after something, that’s just a desire to have that thing in our life. Once it is gone, we move on and seek comfort in the things that we are used to. However, you could also move abroad someplace and dramatically change your life. And Canada? Sure, It’s great, but where are you from? Where is your home and will you find it in Canada? If your answer is not a surefire yes then you have no reason to leave just yet.
So keep on keeping on. Keep up the good fight. Keep the battle strong. All those euphemisms for life. You can do it without the gimmicks, you are your own person.