You’re an irregular person

You love your phone, right? You know that feeling of being outside your home and realizing you forgot your phone? It’s a terrible feeling that is also rooted in how we view ourselves. Sure, maybe you’re busy and really need to answer that email or text. Maybe your boss will be calling you. Saying “I forgot my phone” is as believable as a kid on a tv show saying the dog ate my homework. It didn’t happen. Something happened and you don’t have the device on your person, but you will thrive regardless of that situation.

Yes you will, don’t be negative. Work with me, please.

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You’re lying to yourself if you believe you will change. Whatever that means. You need to be in the loop, informed. You need to have your phone because it is your anchor. It holds you down and comforts you, whether you choose to admit this or not. Maybe we like to tell people we will do good and be good but are these ideas fact or fiction?

Ok, enough about you then. You’re tired of the lies in the media. In the consumer society you have to live in. You take the lies, but then you read the other lies. It’s hard to make sense of where the lies stop and the truth begins because in some cases it seems a though the lies are easier to say than the actual truth. You don’t follow the news, as you say but there are things you keep up with. Your friends, family, and personal projects all require your attention. You are motivated to keep relationships and connections strong because they, (unlike the restless society), won’t let you down. Everyone hates to be let down, but it happens anyway. It’s probably in the handbook for life or something. This all doesn’t make a lot of sense, but you already know what I’m getting at because you know the whole truth. Your truth is that you don’t know what you want but you want so much to know.

You have some idea, but let it float on. Let it meander down the pond. Moving on is a good idea as it allows the mind to refresh. To be able to know is a rare thing these days. We are diverted by so many things on a daily basis, that attention spans are extremely short. Watching a 14-minute youtube video is not something anyone wants to do in their free time, because that is not quick. It is ignored that more time will likely be spent anyway scrolling through social media feeds anyway as the restless mind lives on. The next week will beat on and we will stand, waiting in earnest.

Or maybe just you, because your mind is all over the place today.

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In case of emergency

Sometimes it’s like we’re made of plastic and we break so easily. Other times, we refuse to break and steel ourselves hard so it will never be as bad as we think it to be. We try to bend and break, but try as we may our minds are forcing us to shake and cling on to hope even it’s an absurd idea.

I’m writing this post with my family in mind. I feel like I just watched a movie this weekend, with all the happy parts in color and the sad parts in black and white. No, this is not another sad post about how writing gets me so down but rather how my family really makes no sense sometimes. I just want out of it all. I hate drama and I hate making everything more intense than it is. Life is already a long journey, don’t try to make it more intense than it is. You’re only setting yourself up for more tears. Tears which no one wants to see, so go ahead put them away. I’m waiting. You done? This could take awhile you say? Well, that’s too bad because that’s what you said about finishing that one thing and then that other thing. What is the point of all this anyway?

Since I don’t know what I’m doing (and tell people so sometimes) I really just try to be content in the moment. That’s what it’s all about. I know I’m not about to be half the person that my mother is or even what my father is but I don’t know if I would want to. Sure, they’re great people. Are they great in their thoughts and ideas? Maybe, but maybe not. But, hey that’s all cool. I’m not supposed to hate on them for that anyway. What I’m really doing is trying to lay the foundation for myself. Problem is I don’t know what the heck that foundation is or how to get there. So many questions and so many little ways of answering them. Story of me at the moment.

So if nothing goes according to the always changing plan (that plan being get a job, get out, travel, or go to grad school and teach far away) then I’ll just write my head away into the clouds. Like I might have said in another post, I don’t know anything else. I really don’t. Who knows who the heck reads these, because they do get posted on my twitter and tumblr (sometimes) but if you are reading then know this: It doesn’t get better. You might as well know that now. It gets worse before it gets better is a better thing to say, if you ask me (this is not referring to LGBT issues or anything, it’s just life in general). I’m going to keep writing this blog. I’m going to help people and I’m going to ignore the negativity around me because it does nothing. I don’t have time to be sad, when life is already so overdramatic sometimes.

As a precaution also that nothing works out, I’m still going to read books. I’m still hoping to be on someone’s awesome list for something. I’m watching people I went to high school with get married and have kids and settle in life. And I’m just…here. I don’t want to travel to be an impact, not necessarily. No, I want to do things for my own personal happiness too. Because that is important too, is it not. I thought so. Well, just in case anyone wanted to know I am still searching. For myself. For what I want. For who I want. For a best friend, because really I’ve never had one and hey, life is lonely sometimes when everyone else is gone off but you.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” –Albert Einstein



I don’t think I’ve found my direction yet. It’s going to take some more time, I’m grateful for my mother. She seems to understand my pains, since she has been there. I’m not very good at expressing myself, however (something I’m working on). I don’t really write in here anymore, but I haven’t forgotten about it. So, here’s to hopefully more posting.

I’m still hoping someone will hire me, but I’ve realized I need to keep writing online. In the next few days, I’m going to just crank out some articles on different sites. I haven’t been sharing new articles with family, but I will since there will be more to read. My parents love to read whatever I write. I’m working on getting healthy (not that I’m not), but I guess more active. It can make you incredibly happy, too.

So, writing. It’s what I do. But, I what to teach too. To inspire people. Do I do that already? I don’t really know. I want to travel abroad and maybe teach abroad. I want to one day mentor someone and impact their lives positively. I want to live in a house or apartment with girls and we will all become good friends. Mostly because I don’t have any. But that’s ok, because I have my mother, right? No, sometimes it really is not enough.

I think I should stop now. I’m confused with life. I don’t want to end up alone. I want to be happy, but that is not someplace that is easy to reach out and grab.

Thanks for reading, if you are (whoever you are 😉 )