Posted in life

Challenger

Here’s me, sitting and waiting. No definite direction, but expecting the worst and waiting for the tidal waves to take me to shore. I honestly don’t know what else to say; life is a long and winding path and I’m still driving on it.

I haven’t written a blog post in a while, but I decided that yeah I should get on that. I’ve been working up the nerve to try and put my name somewhere, send in forms/apps for jobs or volunteering (yeah, that’s what it’s come to). But, as I look back on the year it really feels like a waste. Sure, in March I went to Italy. But, that really feels like that’s about it. The summer was cool, I suppose. No jobs. No internships. No school right now. Not even any classes (which I sorta regret not doing, at least for a semester ;( ) But it’s all said and done now and I’m going to try to keep writing. Hey, I’m hoping to do nanowrimo this year. First year ever, so I’ll see how that goes. I’m mostly hoping for some kind of miracle at this point. I hate where I am.

Some might say this is like some type of quarter-life crisis, but I really hope I figure it all out soon. Or at least partially figure it out. It’s sad that my parents (mostly my father) don’t seem to understand that I really don’t want to be where I am. At home. I am the most boring person I know. Just thinking about it makes me sad, until I think of others who got it worse. Essentially what I do every day is wake up, eat something, read something, social media, try to write, fail at that, eat something, workout, read, then sleep eventually. It usually just comes down to waking up, trying to workout, reading and sleeping. Sometimes I go out, sometimes I don’t. I get excited when I do. I have no friends (yeah, thinking about getting back on that facebook…) and the more time I spend around my house the more I am reminded how worthless I am. Yeah, pathetic me is pathetic. Sorry to be boring you, but I have no idea what I’m doing right now. At this moment I’m writing this with youtube opened in another tab playing a random song. I hate people who complain about their jobs and how hard it is (it might be, depending on what you do). But, I feel like people just like to pour it all out. And I’m the mug to pour the problems in. Because you see, I don’t like to take sides. I’m neutral and this can be a problem.

I want to write. I want to help someone. I want to get out of here. Not much of a great challenge, but when you’re me every day is a challenge just to survive and just.. be.

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Posted in changes, family, life

Family is Everything

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They say family is everything. If this is true, why do our families sometimes make us feel as though we are crazy or helpless. Depends on your family or even what your version of family is. These days it can be hard to separate truth from fiction, or really life from fantasy. What matters is finding yourself among the remains of what is left of your former self to build a better you.

I’ve been through a lot in life. I’m still going through a lot, it’s not going to be over anytime soon. The struggles and pain are what make me though. I just have to keep telling myself that I am not alone, even though it feels like that and I don’t really know if I even believe what I tell myself anyway. I think I’m going through some kind of twenty-something crisis. Possibly a millennial thing, I don’t really know. Life can be a blur sometimes, in that everyday just collapses into another and they stop having meaning. But, the point is to find meaning out of life not necessarily every day.

If you have a good family, with people who love and support you then this is where they come in. Your family is like no one else. Like no other group of people you will encounter in your life because they don’t actually care about what you do or who you want to be. They love you for you. Whoever your family is or whoever you call your family, don’t let them out of your life. They exist to be there for you and your are there for them. It’s how the cycle works. No one understands why someone who grows up in a small town never comes back, it’s because there was nothing there to begin with. A person only comes back to the place that is home because there is love there. There is no judgement there or stares. It’s not holing up in your parent’s house, no its a collective presence of people. Not really all in one place, but the presence is felt at once anyway.

So, we all have to work on ourselves. We’re not perfect beings. No one said we were. An example: A girl cries as her mother reaches out to hold her, resistant of any touch and ¬†scared to feel that love again. Unaware at the same time that while her heart is breaking that the love she really needs has been right next to her the entire time. At this moment, the heart inside the girl begins to give out and she closes her eyes and begins to cry once again hopeless while hoping that there is a future that is still bright for her out there. Then, her mother looks at her with concern knowing that her daughter is not a child anymore and she too begins too cry because she wants to help her but doesn’t know how. This is what happens when we are afraid to open our hearts to the one’s who only want to love us (side note: this is a random story and has nothing to do with me).

The most I can say is that everybody has their problems. Every family might have their problems, but if it matters to you to have them in your life then fight to have them. Love will prevail. Whatever your going through or how crazy your family is, it cannot be as crazy as this family.

Best to all reading and keep smiling, if you can it lightens the heart a bit.

“One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.” –William Feather (the quote of the day¬†for April 27)