Give in

There are those times when you might want to give up. You know that you should not, but you can’t do it anymore is what you tell yourself. It’s getting too hard or it’s getting too rough. Unless this is a toxic relationship you want to give up on, don’t follow that voice in your head that tells you it’s not right to give up. Didn’t expect that did you? The truth is that you’re not a failure for giving up or wanting to give up.

Just make sure that you know why you want out. This goes for most things. Make yourself a list of the reasons why you should not continue with the thing you’re doing. The most obvious thing on that list might be happiness. Do you think you would rate yourself as a highly happy person or just highly motivated like those job questionnaires ask? Wait, don’t rate yourself and if you do anyway don’t rate too low because that’s what you think you should be doing. Some other possible reasons for giving in to mistrust in yourself include: This is terrible, I liked the other thing better, this is too expensive, this is a waste of time, or I’m bored. Say, you decided to join a local sports club but when the time comes to pay for it you realize you can’t afford it and you’re somehow ok with this because you never wanted this “thing” in the first place. Not really anyway. It’s also perfectly ok to leave something because you’re not feeling challenged or you are bored with it. It’s a sign that it’s time to try something else. Something stimulating, but still fun. The biggest thing on most of our lists might be that the “thing” lacks any fun or does not make us happy. We might not be young children, but the idea of a “thing” (whatever that may be) as something that is enjoyable lets us also have something to look forward to.

 

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So, don’t think of yourself as giving up. Don’t make unnecessary battles with yourself that you cannot get out of. Feel happy that you are able to retain some of your sanity by allowing your self to leave when it’s not working out.

Have the courage to not give up, but give in.

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Challenger

Here’s me, sitting and waiting. No definite direction, but expecting the worst and waiting for the tidal waves to take me to shore. I honestly don’t know what else to say; life is a long and winding path and I’m still driving on it.

I haven’t written a blog post in a while, but I decided that yeah I should get on that. I’ve been working up the nerve to try and put my name somewhere, send in forms/apps for jobs or volunteering (yeah, that’s what it’s come to). But, as I look back on the year it really feels like a waste. Sure, in March I went to Italy. But, that really feels like that’s about it. The summer was cool, I suppose. No jobs. No internships. No school right now. Not even any classes (which I sorta regret not doing, at least for a semester ;( ) But it’s all said and done now and I’m going to try to keep writing. Hey, I’m hoping to do nanowrimo this year. First year ever, so I’ll see how that goes. I’m mostly hoping for some kind of miracle at this point. I hate where I am.

Some might say this is like some type of quarter-life crisis, but I really hope I figure it all out soon. Or at least partially figure it out. It’s sad that my parents (mostly my father) don’t seem to understand that I really don’t want to be where I am. At home. I am the most boring person I know. Just thinking about it makes me sad, until I think of others who got it worse. Essentially what I do every day is wake up, eat something, read something, social media, try to write, fail at that, eat something, workout, read, then sleep eventually. It usually just comes down to waking up, trying to workout, reading and sleeping. Sometimes I go out, sometimes I don’t. I get excited when I do. I have no friends (yeah, thinking about getting back on that facebook…) and the more time I spend around my house the more I am reminded how worthless I am. Yeah, pathetic me is pathetic. Sorry to be boring you, but I have no idea what I’m doing right now. At this moment I’m writing this with youtube opened in another tab playing a random song. I hate people who complain about their jobs and how hard it is (it might be, depending on what you do). But, I feel like people just like to pour it all out. And I’m the mug to pour the problems in. Because you see, I don’t like to take sides. I’m neutral and this can be a problem.

I want to write. I want to help someone. I want to get out of here. Not much of a great challenge, but when you’re me every day is a challenge just to survive and just.. be.

The drought of life

Sometimes we don’t know what to do with ourselves. It’s like we know, but then we don’t know at the same time. Sometimes one can have so much time but have no idea what to do with. It’s just such an expanse of emptiness, stretching on for what feels like forever. There can be periods when we don’t really feel like ourselves, but we are still pretty happy. I’m not a hopeless cause, but I can name some that have given up on themselves. So, it’s been a while.

To say life happened after not posting for so long is what someone says when they don’t want to get into detail. No, really it’s been a great last few weeks. My family was visiting so my house was pretty packed. Filled with laughter, smiles and sometimes a little drama. I like to think about what it would have been like if I had lived or grown up somewhere else. Like in a big city, accustomed to the ins and outs of a busy city. But, no I live in a small town in the Midwest. I don’t hate it, but one begins to realize after a while that there really is nothing here. To see more one must step out of this small town life. I suppose the same is also true of those who live in a larger city. We all want what we can’t always have.

It’s hard to think about another way of life when your way is all you know. Not really, but pretty much. So, in this moment I’m fairly content just knowing that it all has to work out in the end. Because, if it doesn’t then all this will have been for naught.

Life is what we try to focus on when we don’t want to look a the problems. Life is the the reason why we are depressed. Life is bringing us down. It is long and dreadful, but also full of surprises depending on who you are. Just know that life doesn’t have to end one way and begin another. It can go on, the road is wide open and the path is beginning to clear if you look once again.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” –John Lennon