It’s human nature to want to relive the past, to think about the why behind things that are occurring now. It would seem that thinking back on what was is loads easier than thinking about the present.
When I think back on my life, I am grateful for the experiences I have had that have made me who I am today. I might have some regrets but they’re not things meant to be dwelled on. There are things I hold deep in my heart and mind that that I have not told anyone else (and no, this isn’t the place where I’m going to share all my deep thoughts).
I think memory is a powerful driving force. We don’t realize its usefulness, talent, or life we breathe into it daily when suddenly we wake up and feel that we are losing some of the hard ones. Or maybe not all though since humans retain the strong emotions, (I’m not going to cite anything here, but I’m saying this based on my own human self) and lose the knowledge of doing basic tasks and functions. The things that cause diseases of the mind. Quite possibly, the very worst in diseases is that which destroys your mind and spirit.
So I remember what I am. Who I am rather because I am constantly in need of new experiences. I can never stay in places for long. The job I have now may be terrible but is the longest one I have ever stayed at. Even in those dark moments, I’m going to close my eyes and tell myself that I am powerful. That my mind alone can get me through the darkest of days. And even if it can’t, then I think back on how I have grown and what I have learned about life thus far. In so many ways I have grown immensely and in so many ways I have so much to learn as well.
Never forget where you came from and what matters to you the most.
I’m a little worried about going back to failure. I’m also relieved that this will be a fresh new start, or at least resemble it.
It starts that way. The fear tries to eat at you, day in and day out. You do things to get your mind out of the scenarios you have found yourself in but it is generally to no use. You can’t bring your mind to completely shut off. To tell yourself that its ok to not want to think about the larger problem at stake.
There might not even be any problem, but the fear still persists. That you have made a terrible mistake. That you will never stop berating yourself over the decision. Which has already been made and which you need to learn to deal with.
Despite the fear you know you cannot hold onto, you still have some uncertainty. In fact, if the grand plan fails go back to the back-up plans. At this point, plan B is not well-thought out. It’s another grand task to think of the second plan in case of disaster. However, mentally preparing for disaster and heartbreak might mean that when those things actually happen it makes it easier, but it is quite the opposite. In fact, it makes it harder.
However, I’m pressing on and telling the negative toxins to leave me alone because I cannot let my fear of failure hold me back any longer.
“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.” –
-Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
I’d like to believe that those of you reading this actually enjoy reading. Possibly you spend a good deal of time reading even. Maybe you just got some new audiobooks (yes, these can count).
Or maybe not. It could be that you are failing in reading and you don’t seem to fathom why. “But I used to love reading!” is what you tell people. “I can’t seem to find the time to read these days.” Oh, so that’s what we’re going with then.
Don’t worry, I have also done this but I know that it does nothing to make me read. If I want to read, no one is stopping me from picking up a book and reading it. I love to get lost in a great story. It reminds you of the wonderful writers, most of who are unknown, that have not given up on their dream. If they haven’t, who says you should?
Sure, you might say you don’t want to write but you could change your mind one day. You might do something amazing and people will pay you great sums to write a memoir. Maybe they’ll make a movie about your life that is then not your life anymore. Anyway, a bit of a far reach but just know that you cannot stop trying because it might be too hard.
Besides anyone can self-publish, as anyone who writes on WordPress or other blogs knows though the likelihood of writing the “Next Great American Novel” is probably not achieved through your own means. As much as you might try.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read. Thanks for remembering that “hey, reading isn’t so bad after all!” That’s right, it’s not so bad. How, about we all try doing more of it?
You forgot to pick up the milk again. You forgot to make sure that you will be writing down your goals this week or this month and now you are flailing around trying to “just get through the week.” Stop sucking and start being awesome is what I’m trying to say.
So you failed. Not a big deal, but at the moment in which the failure is happening that is not what you want to hear. You want to hear why you failed. Why are you screwing up so badly? Again? A common refrain you might utter: what did I do wrong? You probably forgot to check something or do that other thing or tell someone something. Either way, it’s on you only because you said so.
Here’s a piece of advice that you can either take to heart or ignore completely (no in between, because you might be a cynic at this point): There are too many definitions of failure, but they will all amount to the basic idea that success was not or is not achieved. Or the second result from Google: 2. the omission of expected or required action. One might not know what that action is or refers to, but it is not reaching the goal. Trying and failing is standard in the book of failures. Those that live a life in which everything amounts to lowered expectations are not seeing failure for what it is. It is the idea of giving up, of throwing in the towel, all those euphemisms.
Failure is not an excuse to stop trying, but a reason to try differently. It is not a sign of your weakness that you feel the need to stop, but a sign of your own limits. Know those limits, you don’t have to cross them until you feel you are ready. Or maybe your limits will sink you like comfort sinks you like an anchor. It’s great to try, but even greater is the willingness to try a new idea. A new way to think about analyzing failure will eventually lead you to small successes. You will get that job. You will get a new place. You will find growth in your own small victories. Of course, analyzing too hard will only lead you to rethink everything and view failure as the only option.
It’s by design that way. You are already failing, so what’s another courageous try going to do?
Let’s try to have those new ideas and embrace all the bad flaws. The bad flaws are the good flaws now, now don’t go googling any more articles that leave you questioning.
Here’s to you. You are the most underrated human that is so awesome in your not fails.
I’ve been doing some thinking. Well, not real thinking. I’ll save the deep thoughts for another post and another time. But, the kind of thinking that makes me realize that I have so much to look forward to. I am worthy of so much love, even though I do not feel any love towards me. Alright, I guess that is semi-deep. Whatever, I’m a writer ok.
No, I feel the love from friends, family and those in the support circle. However, I am not getting the kind of love I want. The kind of love I might require will lead me to a broken heart (I thought I had two, but turns out I am not actually a Time Lord. Oh well). To sweeten the taste of rejection I have had for years now, I will probably turn away from what might be a good opportunity in favor of something greater. I say this while also knowing I will probably still keep trying and failing to be the best at whatever I try. You only don’t have something when you really just don’t. What I mean by that is when you stop caring and decide to throw in the towel, then you let the dizziness of sameness fall over you. This equals to rejection after rejection after rejection. After rejection. You keep going though just to make a new goal. Make a new record. Oh wow, over 5 new rejections today! I’m not saying this is me, but I am saying that this could be you if you stop believing. Believing in yourself before you ask yourself what comes next. Believing in yourself is harder to do then you might think. We like to think of ourselves as wise and cool and better than the new generation, but are we? Are we honest with ourselves as much as we would like to be? Do you have doubts about yourself? In your work? You can’t let yourself down. You matter the most.
So, I’m still doing fairly great. Thanks for asking actually. There are ups and downs in everyone’s lives. Other things we would much rather be doing instead of what we must do. This is the way it is, but if we focus on ourselves and our own goals then no one will dare to stop us. Because we will exude confidence and that’s like attractive.
How do you stop a pest from growing? How do you stop a wild animal from taking cover in your sheets? How to stop those bad directions you keep getting on Google?
No easy answer to stop grieving. Grief is as real as we think it is. Recovery makes us stronger, but it takes it time to come upon us. We shatter when we think about how we are doing without careful inflection or thoughtful analysis. We do it anyway though. The shadow of your silhouette is on fire, dear.
You’re probably worse off than you think. You surround yourself with positivity to make these reminders that you are doing terrible seem less obvious. We all know the truth here though. You are actually doing unquestionably awesome. Just don’t tell that to the people who make greeting cards or they will be out of business in a field that relies on the awe of DIY and sincerity without digital means.
We’re all fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. You’ll always be alone because as humans we just are and that’s alright. We go to work alone. We come home alone. We take a shower alone. We walk alone. We are just lonely as a people, but we forge relationships and do this thing called “synergy” a great deal in an effort to make sanity a thing of the past. We are labeled as either “introverted” or “extroverted” but in truth, we are probably neither. We are probably just waiting for the bubble to break and world to end. So, labels are stupid that way because we made them up to explain ourselves to ourselves.
So keep recovering. Keep striving, keep doing well. Recovery comes in all forms. Don’t take everything you do too seriously or you will never be happy. This is a fact. Maybe you need time away from people that care the most about you. Maybe you need space. Maybe you don’t know exactly what you need right now. That’s all perfectly ok. You will make it soon enough. If you abandon the ones that care the most, though you will really be alone so don’t forget to reach out. Help is always there.
Be well, do well. You can’t be great because you are already amazing.
Sometimes we want to be different. Sometimes different means loving the wrong people or taking the wrong advice. We think we will find a new and unique way, but then realize that the others were right and there is no way out of the predicament we might have found ourselves in.
Let me say that with all honesty that the people closest to you are not always right. They might not have your best interests at heart, heck they might not even know your interests because they just want you around whatever your likes or dislikes may be. That’s all fine and good, but what happens when you find yourself alone again because everyone wants to move on. Letting you move on could be hard to comprehend, but might make all the sense to your family or friends. You need to be there for them and so you will, but you don’t have to feel like you need to be present for all those times either. If you are, that’s great and if not don’t sweat it out too much. It didn’t happen that you could stay in the same small town or big city and it didn’t work that you ever wanted to. “You let this happen” is what you might get told. “You want to leave” (oh the scandal!) is what they say. You are a fighter though and know that you need to try something different in order to come back even stronger than before. The ones that matter the most will understand and will support whatever decision you choose to make.
But be confident in that decision. Don’t be playin’ either. If you know what you want, you can say it easily. You can speak about it freely to friends without having to think about it first. That’s when you are sure about something. When you are not sure, you will get told to “find something around here” or at least “settle down” (or maybe that’s just a thing mom’s say?). Either way, you are putting yourself out there in a way you might not have felt comfortable with before. You are letting yourself feel vulnerable. I hope it is the best kind of vulnerable because you are so worth it.
So be weird, be authentic to you. You’re different and the person writing this is also different. We might not all be wired the same, but when we need to be we know when to reach for our dreams in a big way (or at least as big as our small pockets can take us).