I’m starting to think that wanting to do something good for yourself is a wasted idea. I’m working hard to keep my family sane but I’m drawing myself closer to darkness. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m drowning at everything I try my hand at. I can’t stay at jobs for long because I’m too restless. I’m sure I could work hard enough if I tried, but I never want to. I never feel like its worth it anymore.
Maybe all that is because I am failing when it comes to matters of the heart. I might be wrong, but that’s probably not a bad thing since it lets me have freedom in my own life. I don’t need a partner, I don’t need someone to have mutual feelings and I do not need to have that happy ending that so many people will not admit that their trajectory in life will somehow end up towards. It would, however, be nice to have the love that I hope I deserve. No, not the love of family. That is different and always there, even when you don’t feel it. I’m talking about the intimate, real and pure love between two people that are in love. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’m hoping against hope that I will get there soon.
I’m not one to pick apart at strings, but that’s what my life feels like lately. For most of my twenties, I was lost. I am still lost. I have no current job that gives me great joy. I haven’t found the work life or even the career that I believe is the right fit for me and I don’t believe I ever will. I’m too restless to settle in one thing and that’s probably my problem. But, I have some faith that I’ll find something. Something that will not only bring me joy but someone as well. It’s all I can hope for in this hopeless life anyway.
This feels a little sappy, but that’s how I am these days. What can I say, life is short and if you don’t yearn for the boring as well as the amazing then are you really even trying? Let me dream even if it doesn’t happen in the way I imagined. Dreams are funny that way.
Is someone pushing you around? At work? At home? Do you constantly feel a stream of mistreatment? Have you decided that you just have to deal with it at this point?
I’m not sure what you are planning to do, but stop for a minute and think about what your actions could lead to. Will you end up alone? Will you be any better off? It’s likely that whoever is telling you that you are not worth or worthy is not even worth your time. It’s time to think about yourself. No, not about being selfish. It’s about knowing your own limits and setting restrictions for yourself. Being able to stand on your own two feet. Independence. It’s what so many people want, but few are able to achieve because of the fear (of needing someone after all).
What do you need to do now? Take a slow and steady step back and think about what drove you to this moment. Was it the words that someone said or was it the gestures? Replay in your mind how that moment made you feel. Was it good, was it bad? No need to critically analyze if it will only get you feeling sad, but understand that you don’t have to feel like everything is your fault.
So speak up. Shout in the void. I get that its hard to do, but you need to try so that you at least know that you did as much. You’ll never regret trying to stand up for your rights. Trying to stand up for yourself in a world that tries to shut you out or shut you down. You deserve respect and love.
You know what you want, how about what you need? In this moment?
They say family is everything. If this is true, why do our families sometimes make us feel as though we are crazy or helpless. Depends on your family or even what your version of family is. These days it can be hard to separate truth from fiction, or really life from fantasy. What matters is finding yourself among the remains of what is left of your former self to build a better you.
I’ve been through a lot in life. I’m still going through a lot, it’s not going to be over anytime soon. The struggles and pain are what make me though. I just have to keep telling myself that I am not alone, even though it feels like that and I don’t really know if I even believe what I tell myself anyway. I think I’m going through some kind of twenty-something crisis. Possibly a millennial thing, I don’t really know. Life can be a blur sometimes, in that everyday just collapses into another and they stop having meaning. But, the point is to find meaning out of life not necessarily every day.
If you have a good family, with people who love and support you then this is where they come in. Your family is like no one else. Like no other group of people you will encounter in your life because they don’t actually care about what you do or who you want to be. They love you for you. Whoever your family is or whoever you call your family, don’t let them out of your life. They exist to be there for you and your are there for them. It’s how the cycle works. No one understands why someone who grows up in a small town never comes back, it’s because there was nothing there to begin with. A person only comes back to the place that is home because there is love there. There is no judgement there or stares. It’s not holing up in your parent’s house, no its a collective presence of people. Not really all in one place, but the presence is felt at once anyway.
So, we all have to work on ourselves. We’re not perfect beings. No one said we were. An example: A girl cries as her mother reaches out to hold her, resistant of any touch and scared to feel that love again. Unaware at the same time that while her heart is breaking that the love she really needs has been right next to her the entire time. At this moment, the heart inside the girl begins to give out and she closes her eyes and begins to cry once again hopeless while hoping that there is a future that is still bright for her out there. Then, her mother looks at her with concern knowing that her daughter is not a child anymore and she too begins too cry because she wants to help her but doesn’t know how. This is what happens when we are afraid to open our hearts to the one’s who only want to love us (side note: this is a random story and has nothing to do with me).
The most I can say is that everybody has their problems. Every family might have their problems, but if it matters to you to have them in your life then fight to have them. Love will prevail. Whatever your going through or how crazy your family is, it cannot be as crazy as this family.
Best to all reading and keep smiling, if you can it lightens the heart a bit.
“One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.” –William Feather (the quote of the day for April 27)