On growing up

I don’t often feel independent enough to deal with my own life. I’m still working at it, but I know that I don’t need to working so hard to do what might be easy for other people to do. Instead, I’m left feeling as though I have a privilege that is lost on other people. A kind of feeling that is unreachable, but not defined clearly either.

I’m restless, but calm. Eager, yet timid. I have made gains in terms of approaching fears, but little in the way of conquering those fears in a way that seems and feels effortless. I’m different, yes but so are you reading this. I’m weak to negative thoughts, but I amp up the positive thoughts with words and thoughtful mediations.

Yesterday, I was uncertain. Today, I am still uncertain but more in the direction of why am I uncertain. Should I be uncertain in the state I am in? Will these feelings last forever? I cannot say, but I know that I can try to implement a stronger approach to living well. A brighter outlook that takes a dark toll when I’m not looking will serve me no good anyway.

So the world grew up and turned ugly. The oceans are not oceans. The people are not people, but mere ghosts just wisping around. The people are not always you and I, but everyone else. No one and I mean no one wants to be like everyone else. The largest paradox of human history is that we have history, but we are history at the same time. No, that’s not a paradox on second thought it’s just a way of life.

Me, myself and I sounds conceited. What about you, yourself and you? What about her and him and all of them? No one waits on anyone else quite like they wait for themselves.

I’m still waiting and I’ll keep waiting until I find the answer to this wild and crazy life that I think will suit me best.

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The purpose of tears

It’s amazing how we think we can build a house on a mountain. That we can create change just by being actively involved in a cause. That we believe our voice is stronger than the ones in the back.

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The reality of what might be pushing us back is that we are reluctant, but claim to be unafraid. We are resilient, but also willfully scared of change. It’s the backbone of an inspiring story that might have already been written or is just waiting to be written. It’s the gaps in silences pushing you away from something you might want but don’t fully know why.

You don’t have to feel as though you need to do it all in a day. Whatever it is will happen irrespective of how you feel about the outcome. Good or bad, better or worse. The fight you have left in you will start to wear you down and make you possibly regret what you decided to fight in the first place. Make you wonder why you chose the path of least resistance. Is less resistance something you want or need? Is it something you want to work towards? Aim higher. Aim to give yourself more than what you think you can actually achieve. What you don’t achieve this year will happen the next year. Carry on, but set your aim higher.

So keep your chin up. Mine is all the way up now that I’ve reached the end of writing this (who can say how long it will keep up though). Keep fighting the internal battle with your words, with your head and your mind to quit or keep going. You know what is right, so keep at it. Keep at it, keep doing what you’re doing.

Love yourself.

On the edge

As I write this, it’s the start of a new year but it feels like that’s not the point. It feels like all the “goals” I thought about might not happen. It feels as though I am near throwing it all away because I will get inundated with the details. The not-so minor details but details nonetheless.

I’m prepared for a fight. A chance to let myself feel as though I need to work harder and do better. The people around me telling me that I am “doing a great job” and “thank you for your hard work” only serve to remind me that this it likely to end. What this is will not be explained here, but it was meant to be the start of something bright and wonderful. Maybe it could still be that way, but the chance for that is approaching the category of slim.

I do still believe in myself. I don’t believe I should do the things that do not give me joy. That I should continue to press on despite abuse and harsh circumstances. I believe that things get better before they get worse. I see a way out, but I don’t see a way to get there yet. Maybe this is my way of starting to find a way out. A way to sanity, to the edge of someplace safe.

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Apprehensive

I’m a little worried about going back to failure. I’m also relieved that this will be a fresh new start, or at least resemble it.

It starts that way. The fear tries to eat at you, day in and day out. You do things to get your mind out of the scenarios you have found yourself in but it is generally to no use. You can’t bring your mind to completely shut off. To tell yourself that its ok to not want to think about the larger problem at stake.

There might not even be any problem, but the fear still persists. That you have made a terrible mistake. That you will never stop berating yourself over the decision. Which has already been made and which you need to learn to deal with.

Despite the fear you know you cannot hold onto, you still have some uncertainty. In fact, if the grand plan fails go back to the back-up plans. At this point, plan B is not well-thought out. It’s another grand task to think of the second plan in case of disaster. However, mentally preparing for disaster and heartbreak might mean that when those things actually happen it makes it easier, but it is quite the opposite. In fact, it makes it harder.

However, I’m pressing on and telling the negative toxins to leave me alone because I cannot let my fear of failure hold me back any longer.

Shout outs to the unheard

In the days and weeks ahead, I hope to be bright with new goals. New aspirations and highlights of what I am proud of. I should be able to deal with all kind of people and know how to start all kinds of new conversations that previously might have been difficult to start. I will not have all the answers, but I will have some of the clues to get me there.

Thanks to all the people that led me to where I am today. I don’t know how to thank those people enough. They know who they are and they won’t be going away anytime soon and for that I am so grateful.

Sometimes we take for granted the people in our lives that make us who we are. That make us love ourselves more. The people that feed into growing our self-esteem. This post is a thank you note to the hearts and souls that make up the lifeblood of support that surrounds me.

Having grounded and great support is something that I don’t seek out, but finds me regardless. I am hopeful that I will be able to continue building bridges and crossing them. Making myself feel hopeful is a start to something powerful that I am continuing to work on building.

Thank you for reading this far. The fact that you have means that you might even support someone you don’t even know. Thanks, I support and hope you succeed as well.

I really don’t know everything

My life has changed dramatically in the past three months alone. I went from not being able to speak in front of a large group of people to doing it on the regular (still can’t really do it well though). I went from growing my self-confidence to doubting it all at the same time. I learned so much and worked to apply all that I learned in sessions, however I faltered when it came to real-world scenarios. I was drifting someplace. To where I did not know and when I would stop I also did not know.

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I’d like to say that I am on my way to figuring it out somewhat, but it is still taking me time to understand what I want from myself in order to be the most successful version of myself that I can be. Setting goals and prioritizing those goals is a work in progress. I haven’t lost sight of what I want the ultimate goal to be, however I fear that I am still an outsider in a world I do not understand. That the invisible wall surrounding this dream will break at any moment and all of it will come crashing down. However, another day comes and I know that I have not failed yet. I have instead found a way to embrace the failure and let myself not be dictated by what I should be doing vs. what I could be doing. It’s all relative anyway.

The title of this post reflects the feeling of being overwhelmed that overtakes me every day now. I am working on building myself up, but can’t seem to grow out of the fear that I will fail and fail miserably. But, it’s ok because I can’t expect to succeed quickly. I can’t expect to win at everything. I can expect that I will get better and try harder to learn more everyday. It’s the best I can hope for at this point.

Automatic

I’m thinking lately about what it means to be a good person.

Am I a good person?

Is anyone really a good person?

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The feeling you get when you realize you might be doing something bad washes over you in waves. The tide of judgement comes rolling in whenever this happens and you look down on yourself once again.

You say you’re a person with morals, with boundaries but you don’t always know what those are. You know what it means to have these things, but not necessarily what it means to have these things taken away from you. The promise of shelter and love is almost a given, that you forget it exists.

You pull out the weapon. It’s shiny and new, it’s easy to buy these days just head to the local shop. It stares at you in the face, your reflection just barely glinting through. It would seem as though you might have made a mistake about what you want. About what you need. You don’t know right away that the sirens are for you, but you listen and you know. And you cry and you nod.

Get help, seek help. Remember that you’re not alone is the main advice I would give to anyone searching in their hearts for why they need to live such a routine life.

But wait. Then you remember. Not everyone has these same luxuries, has these same thoughts flooding through their head. Not everyone feels as though they will always have support in anything they choose to do.

The feeling of knowing what you need to know and do is not always apparent. It’s sometimes hidden away, waiting for you to do what is right.

So do you know what is right for you to do?