In the days and weeks ahead, I hope to be bright with new goals. New aspirations and highlights of what I am proud of. I should be able to deal with all kind of people and know how to start all kinds of new conversations that previously might have been difficult to start. I will not have all the answers, but I will have some of the clues to get me there.
Thanks to all the people that led me to where I am today. I don’t know how to thank those people enough. They know who they are and they won’t be going away anytime soon and for that I am so grateful.
Sometimes we take for granted the people in our lives that make us who we are. That make us love ourselves more. The people that feed into growing our self-esteem. This post is a thank you note to the hearts and souls that make up the lifeblood of support that surrounds me.
Having grounded and great support is something that I don’t seek out, but finds me regardless. I am hopeful that I will be able to continue building bridges and crossing them. Making myself feel hopeful is a start to something powerful that I am continuing to work on building.
Thank you for reading this far. The fact that you have means that you might even support someone you don’t even know. Thanks, I support and hope you succeed as well.
My life has changed dramatically in the past three months alone. I went from not being able to speak in front of a large group of people to doing it on the regular (still can’t really do it well though). I went from growing my self-confidence to doubting it all at same time. I learned so much and worked to apply all that I learned in sessions, however I faltered when it came to real-world scenarios. I was drifting someplace. To where I did not know and when I would stop I also did not know.
I’d like to say that I am on my way to figuring it out somewhat, but it is still taking me time to understand what I want from myself in order to be the most successful version of myself that I can be. Setting goals and prioritizing those goals is a work in progress. I haven’t lost sight of what I want the ultimate goal to be, however I fear that I am still an outsider in a world I do not understand. That the invisible wall surrounding this dream will break at any moment and all of it will come crashing down. However, another day comes and I know that I have not failed yet. I have instead found a way to embrace the failure and let myself not be dictated by what I should be doing vs. what I could be doing. It’s all relative anyway.
The title of this post reflects the feeling of being overwhelmed that overtakes me every day now. I am working on building myself up, but can’t seem to grow out of the fear that I will fail and fail miserably. But, it’s ok because I can’t expect to succeed quickly. I can’t expect to win at everything. I can expect that I will get better and try harder to learn more everyday. It’s the best I can hope for at this point.
I’m thinking lately about what it means to be a good person.
Am I a good person?
Is anyone really a good person?
The feeling you get when you realize you might be doing something bad washes over you in waves. The tide of judgement comes rolling in whenever this happens and you look down on yourself once again.
You say you’re a person with morals, with boundaries but you don’t always know what those are. You know what it means to have these things, but not necessarily what it means to have these things taken away from you. The promise of shelter and love is almost a given, that you forget it exists.
You pull out the weapon. It’s shiny and new, it’s easy to buy these days just head to the local shop. It stares at you in the face, your reflection just barely glinting through. It would seem as though you might have made a mistake about what you want. About what you need. You don’t know right away that the sirens are for you, but you listen and you know. And you cry and you nod.
Get help, seek help. Remember that you’re not alone is the main advice I would give to anyone searching in their hearts for why they need to live such a routine life.
But wait. Then you remember. Not everyone has these same luxuries, has these same thoughts flooding through their head. Not everyone feels as though they will always have support in anything they choose to do.
The feeling of knowing what you need to know and do is not always apparent. It’s sometimes hidden away, waiting for you to do what is right.
So do you know what is right for you to do?
It would seem as thought like most people, I am looking for some type of reward. I probably won’t get it, at least not so easily. The good things don’t come quickly, they take time.
I feel that I am taking on more than I am able to handle both emotionally and physically. My whole mind is never on one thing. Sure, I might have that one goal of being happy and in a good place and job in my life yet I am not giving myself the credit I deserve. I’m downplaying my assets. I’m forgetting that I am worthy.
It’s ok if i cannot do it all. I already know that I will have at least tried to do most of the things I want to do. Planning out a day takes time and effort, which I sometimes feel as though I have none of. Persistence is key and something I’m still striving towards. Working everyday to remind myself that I’ll never get a new chance if I don’t try the one in front of me. Or, it’s ok to stop but remember to at least keep going. Always keep going.
Some people don’t work at all. Others far too much. Meanwhile, herds of people head to social media to put off meaningful work in exchange for the hope for meaningful interactions. Most of the time, it is a hopeless cause.
I know I work because I see it in my eyes. In the way I feel like I have no time for sleeping. I feel like not being productive is a waste of my own energy and time, though I find myself lulled by social media to be unproductive anyway. Time is meaningless unless used appropriately.
Don’t mean to make this post seem quite so sad sounding. If you’re reading this, then what are you doing to be well? Keep doing the good work. The hard work. No one else can do what you have to do yourself.
If there’s one thing I know it’s that a great support system will take you far. I know that not all people might have actual people like this in their lives, but an online group of like-minded people or at least approachable and encouraging folks could be found as well.
No one really knows what they’re looking for. Seeking and seeking all the time is what endless amounts of writers claim to do. Maybe this one too, however this writer is conscious of the end goal. To be truly honest and raw with oneself is a trait that more people might be opening towards, however it is still difficult to practice the words “look at yourself in the mirror and tell me who you see.” Often what is seen is not the person that wants to be standing there. It’s a hard truth to come to terms with, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
You are great. You are already well on your way to achieving your goals, even if you don’t think so. Instead of writing them down, do some of them. Try to do the things that make you stop and think more often than not. Reflection is powerful force. All the tools you could ever need are inside your head and your heart.
It would appear as though the month of January would like to rear its head and leave.
It would appear as though something is going to happen soon, something monumental. Maybe it’s just on the brink or maybe its leading me to wonder what the brink even is.
Quite possibly it is leading me to want to find out more about the “thing.” The great and powerful “thing” that will be coming to a year near me soon. Not sure when, as the “thing” doesn’t always announce itself but fear should be minimized as it will pop up eventually. Or, probably the opposite since it is an unknown as to what the “thing” is. So fear it, love it, or hate it. It will occur in some form.
It would appear that the “thing” then doesn’t really matter. At least I would still have my sanity, my humanity and some trace of my dignity.
Wait, though. It would appear as though no one actually cares about things such as dignity and class anymore. They should. People are not robots as much as they would like to be.
It would appear then that things are happening. Good things or bad things? It’s not for me to say.
adj: 2. awake and out of bed.
I think that these days, I would like to say that I’m busy but still free.
I am taking the opportunities that are coming my way, but I want bigger things too. I want things that make me not question why I’m doing them. I’m sure in my heart what those things are, but speaking out about what I really want is not what the people around me want. The refrain I hear again and again is to just “stay.” To keep in the place that continues to be a place of despair, but one in which I feel pressured to stay in.
I need new experiences in different places. I haven’t been everywhere. Not by a long shot. I don’t really do bucket lists or things like that. I just make small lists and they are goals of things that I aim to achieve. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not.
In any case, I am striving to be something. To be someone, rather. I am still very much rooted in the ideals that I was brought up with, but I’m imagining myself apart from that as well. In a world in which I am free to do and see the things I yearn to do. It’s not that anyone is stopping me and it’s not that I am not able to go, its that responsibility pushes me to stop. Just stop and realize that all I might need is not far away after all.
However, while I’m keeping busy with numerous projects and work, I would still like more me time. More focus on what brings me joy.
When I get there, it will not be said in words but emotions.
Until then, I’ll be flying busy, free, and wild all at the same time. Every day.