It would appear as though the month of January would like to rear its head and leave.
It would appear as though something is going to happen soon, something monumental. Maybe it’s just on the brink or maybe its leading me to wonder what the brink even is.
Quite possibly it is leading me to want to find out more about the “thing.” The great and powerful “thing” that will be coming to a year near me soon. Not sure when, as the “thing” doesn’t always announce itself but fear should be minimized as it will pop up eventually. Or, probably the opposite since it is an unknown as to what the “thing” is. So fear it, love it, or hate it. It will occur in some form.
It would appear that the “thing” then doesn’t really matter. At least I would still have my sanity, my humanity and some trace of my dignity.
Wait, though. It would appear as though no one actually cares about things such as dignity and class anymore. They should. People are not robots as much as they would like to be.
It would appear then that things are happening. Good things or bad things? It’s not for me to say.
I think that these days, I would like to say that I’m busy but still free.
I am taking the opportunities that are coming my way, but I want bigger things too. I want things that make me not question why I’m doing them. I’m sure in my heart what those things are, but speaking out about what I really want is not what the people around me want. The refrain I hear again and again is to just “stay.” To keep in the place that continues to be a place of despair, but one in which I feel pressured to stay in.
I need new experiences in different places. I haven’t been everywhere. Not by a long shot. I don’t really do bucket lists or things like that. I just make small lists and they are goals of things that I aim to achieve. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not.
In any case, I am striving to be something. To be someone, rather. I am still very much rooted in the ideals that I was brought up with, but I’m imagining myself apart from that as well. In a world in which I am free to do and see the things I yearn to do. It’s not that anyone is stopping me and it’s not that I am not able to go, its that responsibility pushes me to stop. Just stop and realize that all I might need is not far away after all.
However, while I’m keeping busy with numerous projects and work, I would still like more me time. More focus on what brings me joy.
When I get there, it will not be said in words but emotions.
Until then, I’ll be flying busy, free, and wild all at the same time. Every day.
I recently dreamt that I was being told that “my profession is a failure.” The person was not wrong, but the idea remains in my mind of how little I am doing each day. Of course, I always believe I could be doing more and setting goals that I will achieve. I know I am only letting down myself when I neglect a goal for the day.
In other times, it feels as though I am not doing enough to be happy. That should make sense when reading it the first time, if not rethink how you view happiness. It should come easily, it shouldn’t be forced and it should be about you. My great fear is that I am becoming a person of habit, but then its also not a fear at all because as most people get older this is a fact of life. I embrace this I suppose. I want to know how to stop feeling terrible about not reaching goals. It’s not really something that is easily achieved (irony).
In the case of the world, it’s terrible and none of what I’m saying matters. In your own life, you’re probably having a good week or a bad week (or maybe somewhere in the middle). You’re wondering how you got to this blog post that is going on about being happy and reaching goals and blah blah blah.
Maybe I’m just writing the basics of a suitable post. Maybe I’m just doing the basics when it comes to a generally happy life situation. I’m not quite there yet. If I can make it, so can you.
That feeling of feeling lost or overwhelmed is evident when you decide to not set goals. Maybe you say you have “no goals”, but ultimately everyone has an endgame. There is a destination that we’re all hoping to get to one day, hopefully not by wasted dream but instead by manifested reality.
In all my wildest dreams, I always imagined myself to be doing the things that matter. The things that will make me a “somebody,” as if I am not already. It is as if I have some kind of aim to be famous, but no exact direction to get there. My kind of fame is the sort where I wonder what I am doing wasting my time with no plan, but feel happy regardless. No, not happy in spite of or because of. Simply happy, because I do have what I need.
Anyway, as I’m reflecting on how to get myself out there I know I don’t need to at the same time. I can be content being a nobody to most people, because to the ones that count I am a somebody. Also, according to physics, we are all just bits of stars.
I’ve been getting bad at getting to the things I keep telling myself I “mean to do.” It’s December and I know I won’t get to them. Admitting this is the first step probably key to not losing your mind.
I’m fairly certain I am wasting a lot of time when I am not writing. However, this month is looking to be a good one. I am giving myself a social media free month and so far it is going great and I am happy (not that I wasn’t before, but my productivity levels seem increased). I do still acknowledge that I enjoy sleeping but on the days that I have to work early are those that I feel more content later about.
As most people reflect on a year (well-spent or otherwise), I wonder how I fell back into the “home” trap. The saying goes that “comfort sinks you like an anchor” and that is certainly true when referencing one’s safe home, the place where one is at ease and comfortable the most. I can’t say I’ll ever really step out of this trap, but I’d like to find a home someplace else. Someplace different to challenge me once more.
Anyway, for lack of explanation I am grateful for this life. I am hopeful, but also level-headed and realistic. Optimism is great, but so is having some disposable income.
That might have sounded selfish, but then the world is selfish and frankly, I am part of the problem and not always the solution.
It would seem that in most areas of life, people are trying to get by on the promise of greatness someone else told them. It’s possible that greatness will not be achieved nor will it amount to any real goals. Not unless it is acted upon.
I’ve noticed that people that do great are those that, among other things, are early risers. Now, I do love sleeping but I also love to be productive and not waste time in the day. In a habit that I could break any day now, I wake up way before the sun and then stay up working on other tasks that take time but are better achieved in the morning hours. The reason for my early get-up has to do with the online work I do, but I have grown to see the benefits of waking up early the more that I do it.
There a feeling of duty and not laziness. Sure, you might love to crawl back into bed and into those warm blankets but you got yourself up for a reason. You want to work on a certain task(s) and this is the time to do it. Yes social media is there, but it’s quiet. Most people are sleeping when you are working on your self. Great work. Maybe if you’re up for it, you can squeeze in a morning workout as well. This can help energize the rest of your day and 11 pm will really start to feel like how your mother described it once as “half the day gone” because you have been so productive in the morning.
So maybe you’re reading this while drinking coffee. Maybe you’re sick and lying on your computer all day. It’s possible you don’t want to be a morning person. No one said you had to be, you do have to find the way to make your goals happen that work best for you.
Maybe someone once told you that you can’t do something and now it’s making you feel like more than a failure than usual. Someone might have told you “if this can’t work next month, then goodbye” or “hope it all works out for you.” These are only examples of things that will bring your self-esteem more down than you need it to be.
To get that self-esteem back, the best thing to remember is that you can’t live up to any expectations others set. You are your own person and you have your own goals. Achieve them on your own time and level. It’s best to think about it this way: Your success does not denote you to the same achievements as others, because those goals are not always what you really want.
What you really want then is to carve out a kind of goal that makes you feel fulfilled. Makes you wonder how you got so lucky at that thing called life. You didn’t, luck is not part of the deal it’s all chance and hard work (unless you don’t play by the rules).
You will get pushed aside and disregarded. It’s part of the goal to get you to a happier place and despite your best efforts, you will still not get where you need to be and what you want without a little pushback. The key is to not let those negative pushes turn into drawbacks for you. Keep striving and keep fighting.
The biggest battle to fight is that which is within yourself. You might not ever overcome it, or pull back from it in pieces and shards only. This is fine, as long as it makes you remember to stay on the path and push forward. Mistakes are just that: Mistakes. They are not an error on you or your character, think differently about your past choices this way.