Posted in changes, failure, personal

Redeeming qualities

I don’t think its likely that you have any bad qualities. It might be that you have some of the things that people warn you about to avoid while also having “tendencies.”

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Stars gif by https://giphy.com/liviafalcaru/

Those tendencies are what lead us to different ways of thinking, or imagining what we could be if we didn’t try so hard to fail. It’s possible that you have ignored all advice and failed anyway. There is a bright light in there somehow that reminds you that you are doing the best you can in the current circumstances. It’s all fine and good until the luck starts to change for you and second-guessing everything becomes your nature.

This isn’t meant to be dreary or look down on anyone. It’s just a reminder that you are still working hard every day to do and be well because you are scared of a terrible outcome. Don’t worry, most of us are. It will come with time that you realize that the only thing holding you back is yourself. You might tend to favor the more comfortable over the more arduous and the more mundane over the spontaneous. You tell yourself that “no, not me. I’m different” but the truth is that it’s hard to change what is so every day. It’s hard to become a different version of yourself.

You really shouldn’t have to change yourself, unless you feel it would lead you somewhere amazing. Even then, never change a thing about your character, your personality, and yes even your personal tendencies. Those small things make you who you are and continue to push you every day (your ticks will push you every day to do whatever it is you need to do/or not do).

Keep striving through the bad times.

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Posted in life, writing

It’s a bit of a process

I would like to say I’m close to having a job, but I’m afraid it is quite the opposite. You see, I have this problem where I don’t always take chances when I know that I really should be grabbing at every chance that comes my way.

I think I’ve become a bit lazy. This is a bad thing to post maybe, but here I am. Posting it. I’m thinking I won’t post this the day I’m writing it (Wed.) because of what I’m about to to do tomorrow though who can really tell since the people that matter don’t read this blog anyway (honestly hope not). {Edit: I forgot that today was Friday and woah, it’s the end of week, weird but I don’t do anything anyway and yesterday was definitely Thurs. because I had that thing and ok I’m just going to stop now.}

Source: http://gph.is/1E2ssrH

It’s fine though. I can’t do everything at once. I’m not superhuman and I really don’t know all the things. I like to think of myself as somewhat organized what with a notebook I have for organizing workouts and what to do for the day (mostly all I do on these things is the workouts, then it’s whatever I’ll try to squeeze in writing time though). I’m a bit of a crazy, who doesn’t know what she’s doing, but I hope that’s ok with you at least right now. It’s ok with me so yeah obviously. Not everything happens all at once, but I wish that life would hurry up and give me the chances I want to succeed sometimes.

Trying to be organized.
Trying to be organized.

If you’re still reading this, then great since I don’t really know what else to write. See, trying to be creative and being creative are two different things. Writing is hard, no matter which way you slice it and I’m not one to use idioms like that.

I hope the next week will bring productivity, maybe another job offer (who knows right?), the chance to volunteer somewhere, and the goal from me to be more proactive. I can’t complain and sit idle waiting for things to happen. I already know this, but I write about it anyway. I guess it helps.

If you’re not sure where your going (like me) then just try to do SOMETHING. It helps to not let yourself just waste away or be idle. For encouragement, just remember some advice from my girl Taylor:

Source: http://gph.is/1aUVWKB
Posted in life

Decisions

In this particular moment I am at a crossroads. I am trying to decide whether it is in my best interest to travel, or just stay where I am and work on finding a steady job. Yes, travel is what I what. So. Much. But, I can’t push away the feeling that there is something out there for me–here. But, I just haven’t found it yet. But, at the same time I don’t know when I will or if I even will get whatever I want here (heck, I don’t even know what I’m looking for). OK, sorry, that’s a lot of “but’s.” I’m really uncertain. (I’m almost said “but” again). It’s hard. Change is hard and I think we all know that to some degree.

I want to write and everyday I think to myself, “I don’t really write enough.” I’m grateful for the people in my life now, but what happens in the future? I would like to have a chance to work somewhere I enjoy, with people that are great. I want to find that one person to spend my life with. I don’t want to end up alone, even though most days I already feel so alone. I’m not sure what steps to take next, but I know that my time is running out here. I need to think long and hard about what I want to do and think for real. I understand that not everything is about me, yet at the same time not everything is always going to be the same either. Everything happens for a reason, it’s just not always known right away (at least that’s what I’m told).

Anyway, back to the dilemna. I want to go with a group from school to Italy, but I am still so unsure. It’s time to make a decision though. Regarding not only insurance, but if anyone wants to come with me. Should I let my mom come with me? I wish I had more friends, this would allow for more options. It’s the opportunity, really of a lifetime. I can’t say that I will be spending all my time with my mother on the whole trip, but it would be nice to have someone there. I would not be so alone, while being alone with a group of people I barely know. I have one day to decide. This is important and I know that it doesn’t matter whether I go or not, but if I do go I will have to be thinking about things as well. Attending a meeting about it, if I make up my mind soon enough. Right now it might be a maybe. When I saw the email inviting me to go along, because of extra space I contacted the ladies in charge almost immediately if not right then. For me, making decisions is not definite which kills me and everyone else. I hate to keep people waiting, just like I hate to give up on myself but I probably am anyway. Whatever happens, happens. I only hope that I know what my reasons are and understand them fully.

“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” –E.B. White