Still here

It’s a weird thing when you’re suddenly free. It’s as if you feel like you have time to do things that are important and more meaningful. However, you have to know how you will effectively spend time as well.

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I’m waiting for something it would seem. I’m trying to figure out how to get from point A to point F. Thinking it would be great to have a back-up plan right about now. Except there is no plan B, not right now. Now, there is just “the plan.” It might be a plan of action but it has to stay the current plan until further notice.

It’s one of those things that you think about in the back of your head constantly but don’t always know why. You know you need to think about the why before the when, but currently the plan is only allowing your brain to think about the present and the “maybe” future.

Not to be bleak so I’ll move along. Basically, I think most people can achieve their own level of greatness. However, everyone wants to be at a higher level than they might be able to achieve. BUT THIS IS OK!

We tell ourselves that we need to do the things that make us influencers or career changers, but we don’t think about ourselves. The mind is waiting for a creative spark, that all people have but some use it in less appealing ways while others prefer the murderous or drawn out type of creativity. You’ll know what I mean when you see it.

So beyond making the plan work each day, I’m trying to figure out how to act on new plans. However, it’s also ok to not have all the answers. I don’t claim to have all the answers when I write a blog post. I just want to write. Maybe someone is reading this and maybe not, but if so keep at whatever you’re doing. Maybe something is knawing at you to keep going, or to stop but it the knawing becomes a knife pain then you should find something else that gives you joy.

I for one, am still here. Wherever here is.

On growing up

I don’t often feel independent enough to deal with my own life. I’m still working at it, but I know that I don’t need to working so hard to do what might be easy for other people to do. Instead, I’m left feeling as though I have a privilege that is lost on other people. A kind of feeling that is unreachable, but not defined clearly either.

I’m restless, but calm. Eager, yet timid. I have made gains in terms of approaching fears, but little in the way of conquering those fears in a way that seems and feels effortless. I’m different, yes but so are you reading this. I’m weak to negative thoughts, but I amp up the positive thoughts with words and thoughtful mediations.

Yesterday, I was uncertain. Today, I am still uncertain but more in the direction of why am I uncertain. Should I be uncertain in the state I am in? Will these feelings last forever? I cannot say, but I know that I can try to implement a stronger approach to living well. A brighter outlook that takes a dark toll when I’m not looking will serve me no good anyway.

So the world grew up and turned ugly. The oceans are not oceans. The people are not people, but mere ghosts just wisping around. The people are not always you and I, but everyone else. No one and I mean no one wants to be like everyone else. The largest paradox of human history is that we have history, but we are history at the same time. No, that’s not a paradox on second thought it’s just a way of life.

Me, myself and I sounds conceited. What about you, yourself and you? What about her and him and all of them? No one waits on anyone else quite like they wait for themselves.

I’m still waiting and I’ll keep waiting until I find the answer to this wild and crazy life that I think will suit me best.

gif via: https://giphy.com/gifs/quote-gif-art-dreamlabs-Angrk3U9gq8OQ/links

featured/cover image source: https://giphy.com/gifs/sky-dog-cartoon-igmrdSZouJmow/links

Floating stardust

That feeling of feeling lost or overwhelmed is evident when you decide to not set goals. Maybe you say you have “no goals”, but ultimately everyone has an endgame. There is a destination that we’re all hoping to get to one day, hopefully not by wasted dream but instead by manifested reality.

In all my wildest dreams, I always imagined myself to be doing the things that matter. The things that will make me a “somebody,” as if I am not already. It is as if I have some kind of aim to be famous, but no exact direction to get there. My kind of fame is the sort where I wonder what I am doing wasting my time with no plan, but feel happy regardless. No, not happy in spite of or because of. Simply happy, because I do have what I need.

Anyway, as I’m reflecting on how to get myself out there I know I don’t need to at the same time. I can be content being a nobody to most people, because to the ones that count I am a somebody. Also, according to physics, we are all just bits of stars. 

I’m a star, you’re a star. We’re all stars.

Not all about the material things

I don’t need material things, but sometimes it’s nice to imagine the things I could buy. The things that make me feel happy include, but are not all things I need to buy include:

*Books

*Creative ideas

*TED Talks

*Journals with inspiring quotes

*Meditation

*Yoga

*Online learning

*Broadening skills

*Writing

*Productivity

*Smiling

You don’t need money to buy success. You need optimism and healthy goals. Stick to those goals and good things will come.

Well, life is what you make of it. When you’re not paying attention, it can get away from you. Just like this mindless post.

Have a fabulous day, all! 🙂

The promise to write

Welp. Here we are again in this now familiar state. Me apologizing for the late posts and you returning for more. I claim to love writing, but don’t do it enough because it makes me think and well sometimes I don’t feel like thinking. I get that this is ok, but these days I think there would be nothing better than to write and just let it all out. Just let myself get absorbed in the nothingness of what I am currently.

I could go on and on about how much I need to get back on track. To get back to myself. Because I feel like I am losing who I am. I don’t want to be self-reliant on anyone, but I am afraid my days are turning out that way. I’m turning into someone that is moving away from independence and towards dependence. It has led me to rethink some things. Like, why am I drawn to certain things and not others? Why do I do this now and not do that anymore? Those kinds of thoughts pervade my mind now as I’m writing this. I’m sad about it, but there is a way to break out of the cycle.

That way starts with writing. I make a promise to myself now to not only keep blogging here but start free writing again. What about a novel? Hey, it could happen. Anything is possible. I’m also going to start a vlog channel, but instead of just talking about it I will actually do it. Yeah, I’m just going to go there. I could use this space to write the goals I want to do, in order to hold myself accountable in some way. I might write some of them now, just to give myself that needed the push I need.

  1. Write more
  2. Read (go to the library, read e-books)
  3. Listen to more podcasts (seriously lacking in this department, but used to listen to a lot of these, still so many good ones out there)
  4. Help someone else with their writing, whether through tutoring or teaching
  5. Take more pictures of life around me
  6. Take a photography class
  7. Take an intro. level guitar class
  8. Vlog (or try to)
  9. Sell things that do not give me joy
  10. Plan for a trip somewhere far away

Food, music and books

I feel like talking about food. This is a weird thing to want to do, especially considering but alas. I run out of blog ideas rather quickly, but I love to write and the need to keep this thing updated nags at me. It’s not a chore to blog, though but more of a thing that I gotta do. Like, talking to an old friend. That doesn’t talk back. Which is fine really, since most people don’t text me back anyway. So to the internets, I go!

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gif source via FourFiveSeconds music video (retrieved from giphy)

 

Food

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When it comes to food, there are types of food I like. There are types I do not like. Then there are foods that make me wonder why I bothered to eat them. Is water food? No, but it is when it’s weirdly flavoured (yes, I know not really but stop ruining my post ok). So, food is good when it’s clean, which translates to organic or raw. If it has that handy USDA certified or the GMO project label then it’s all good. The fruits are good. They all have different things they do for your body. The same dealio with vegetables. Then we like to eat carbs and not carbs. But, some carbs are good and some are bad? Yes, this is correct. We eat Italian, Mexican, Thai, Indian, and noodles. And rice. Then, mac and cheese. There is no particular order to anything, it’s just food and it just goes in your mouth. But, wait you should know where it comes from! Yeah, be an enlightened food eater. That’s called being a foodie, you know. Or something like that.

Music

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There are good kinds, there are terrible kinds. There is country, rock, pop, popcorn, cheese, robots, robots yelling over a lawnmower, robots doing this in a dance club, Flo-Rida, bouncy balls, screaming cats, and soft bells. It’s all music. There is music for Christmas. No not really for other holidays, only Christmas. Research on why is still pending but probably relates to something called holidays and tradition. Like anything else, you either like something or you don’t. Most of us like at least some of that thing called music. We also want everyone to know about our disliked music for some reason also. So music. It’s everywhere. It’s in your ears. In your mind and a part of your everyday.

Books

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All kinds. All genres. Anyone anywhere can pick up a book in any language and just start reading. Lose yourself quite easily within the pages of a book. So many pages to lose yourself (please pick a good book of fair length). In the age of ebooks, audiobooks, and the no-actual reading generation books still exist. They have always been there and will always be there. You can always count on books, just go into some independent bookstore somewhere and walk around. Books are a different kind of magic that some people will feel but only true book-lovers will understand and cherish. I hope that all people feel this at some point in their life (I’ll always feel this way about books, btw). Don’t just read books, love them too.

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So if you want to be random, just go ahead and be random. No one is going to tell you that being random is wrong. Because it is not. It is fine as long as you know when to stop the absurdity. Actually, you know what just continue on. Just continue breezing along, my friend. Have a great day.

Thanks for making it down here 🙂

 

 

 

I take forever to think

I’m one of those slow to make decision types. I want to say that I am working on it, but that means that I need more time to “think about it.”

I just need time to ruminate. Especially when it comes to big decisions, the life or death kind. In a real situation where there is no time I obviously have to make a split-second decision but the fear is that I will wait too long to decide even then. I’m probably spending too much time thinking about this, but it makes me wonder why I invest my time into new ideas.

They say that comfort soaks you like an anchor and that might be true, but indecision can be the brunt of all your rejections (or fear of all of them). It can be the defining force, really so no big deal. So, this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to be confident. Take more chances and aim for fewer regrets. I know I can’t win all my battles, but I can concede that I will try better for the next fight.

Basically, being aware of what you want and how to nab it is the best feeling. I am almost there but not quite. I like to feel assured that all decisions I make will result in good outcomes, but then there are those moments of hesitations where I wonder if the choices I make are really thought out. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but sometimes the choices we make can define us (and sometimes they don’t). Argh. As you can see, this could take awhile (what “this” is is beyond me also).

I got on and typed up a blog post today so there’s one decision that I actually made and did not hesitate on for too long. The mind knows better than the heart in these matters, I suppose.

featured image gif source

Take out the unenjoyable

Whoa. I forgot about that blogging thing. Hi.

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Giphy artist (source)

 

Five things that do not bring me joy but maybe did once:

1) Makeup (it’s great and I still love it, but I won’t say that I need it. I really don’t need it at all.

2) Books (this doesn’t mean I don’t like reading please note. I’m working on trying to love this again, I don’t know).

3) Shopping (what a bore).

4) Photography (I tried so hard for so long that now I don’t care to be perfect).

5) Jewelry (not the flashy).

 

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Giphy artist (source)

 

What I’m working on bringing back into my life:

Love, lust, and the need to want to create. I think I have lost creativity in the sense that I don’t know how to be useful. I want to contribute something great, but don’t know what exactly. So, of course, I am still a creative person as always but lost in how to gain that pure happiness. I’ll get it back though.

Follow the blog to keep up.

Highlights 2016

The last month of the year has arrived and that makes me feel both apprehensive and excited. But, isn’t everyone excited to begin a new slate? Most are, to others its just another day. To those people I say, come on guys get motivated! Be goal reachers, not just goal setters!

I hope you’re not about to think about new year’s resolutions right now. You better not be. If its the same thing is is every year: To lose weight. Then get something else. Besides, what are you waiting for? The year was eventful to say the least, here are the top highlights.

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GIPHY Studios Originals

1) I decided to try a new thing. That new thing became teaching and that was in the works since last year, but this year was another step on that journey. It was a small step, but it could get bigger and open new doors for the future which is always exciting.

2) I gave Snapchat a try. But, I gave up a month ago or so on it. But, I’ll probably be back. I’m an analyzer so I like to check out the content and see what’s going on with it, but if it’s not working for me I’m out. But, like I said not for long likely. It’s an amazing app that is changing social media and world discussions.

3) I read more non-fiction. This is a personal best for me because I’m always telling myself to read more stories about actual people, things that are not fictional. I still have a few more I want to read before the year is through but I would say at least 4 or five large non-fiction works. Not a lot and it could have been more, but it counts.

4) I walked more. I go for a walk almost every day. It helps that the weather is not so bad yet. If it rains then of course no walk, but the walk is a great primer for a good workout in mid-morning after breakfast.

5) I gave conventions/conferences a try. I didn’t go to any music festivals this year, which is kind of a bummer but I did spend money on some interesting conferences. The kind that I want to go back to. The kinds of intellectual and creative conversations I want to be a part of. It was over a year ago that I put down money for a great conference in California.

6) I cooked more fun things. I made things that I found online, tried to change it up and had fun (still having fun) making random things that I shared with my mother who passed her love of cooking to me.

7) I gave yoga teaching a chance. It was something I thought about for awhile, but decided to take a chance and give it a go. It became a launchpad for seeking out yoga in my everyday life. More than I had before.

8) I called myself a teacher. I still call myself a writer and blogger as well, but this was a new title. A mark that I was turning the page and choosing to help students. That I was a leader for them even if I didn’t see it that way quite yet.

9) I made new friends. Mostly through the great place I work, reminding me that there are always new people to meet when you least expect it. I hope to meet plenty more exciting people in the future that will challenge my thinking and broaden my mind. And also are just nice people.

10) The news gave me daily headaches. It was an election year in the U.S. and the disappointing conclusion to the race means that headaches still exists. But, I’m addicted now so I can’t turn away.

All in all, not a bad end to a good year in my book.

How was your year, not ready to talk about it yet? That’s all right, you’ve still got time to think through the past year and what occurred.

Cover image source.

Cyclical thoughts

I’m falling.

I wake up and I’m fine, but my head hurts now so I toss and turn until I realize that it’s pointless to find the source of the real dream. That was just in my head. That was just in my mind a second ago but is vanished now.

It’s the realization that I’m almost out of the twenties and haven’t done any of the cool things that twenty-somethings are supposed to do. Like those list articles say. No wait, I’ll make it happen though. Just you wait. I’ll travel, there’s still time. I’m not looking to be a mid-life divorcee traveling around the world to find herself. I haven’t found myself now. The quarter-century crisis, it seems continues as one ages. Bitterly destroying happy prospects of a rich life with negative energy.

Then I read, then I write. Then I stretch, then I think. Then I teach, then I write. Then I wonder what next. What next is the beginning to a series of questions called my life. I try to tell myself I should have taken that job or stayed there or done more, but I keep on and keep my head low knowing it doesn’t matter. I’m too restless, I want to leave someplace but at the same time comfort sinks me down like a deeply rooted anchor. What I have and love to have I can’t let go. This is the realization as I walk down the street, as I drive down the highway, and as I make up my mind about whether or not to move to another country.

I regroup, I resend the email. I delete the junk mail. I rethink about my choice thus far. I have had many opportunities, but did not seize them all. There are regrets of things I should have done and few for things I should not have said. There are moments of inner solitude filled with lowly tears and happy laughter, but its just me avoiding what moments to play out on repeat again and again.

This way, I think. This way, this road will lead me to a better life. It will give me answers. Everyone says that no one has the answers. But although Google has almost all the answers, it does not have the answers I need to hear. The ones that remind that I can do it if I just don’t think do much. Stop thinking so much. Stop thinking so much.

But then I know. I can’t do such a thing. I can never stop thinking at all. To do so would mean that I have stopped living.

So then I close my eyes and I’m falling…

 

(cover image by wonderferret on Flickr, Creative Commons license).