Tempermental

It’s a rare thing to find someone to love forever. You will not love yourself forever, how can one expect to love another?

If you were recently married then you might be currently thinking the opposite, but love is probably one of those things that change with the wind. It might always be there, but it will continue to adapt and assimilate into new forms. Maybe you’ll stop loving that part of them that you thought you loved. Maybe you believed that a stronger bond would heal everything that needed healing. Maybe it worked for you, but maybe it didn’t either. It’s also quite possible that you are waiting for something or someone to come your way and provide you with the answers you want to hear. You might never get those answers or the person you want, but you might be alright with that. Or maybe you just settle for what you get.

There’s a weakness in all of us just waiting to be pushed out. It’s just a glimmer in the highlight of your accomplishments (you will get some great ones, don’t worry). It takes a strong and courageous person to say “I can do it” and actually mean it. To not fall through because it got too hard or unexpectedly risky. Uncharted waters can lead to the greatest discoveries. You’ll never know if you keep wondering instead of acting on what you feel (nothing criminal, mind you).

So maybe you have a good feeling that today will be a good day. And maybe it will, what do I know? However, it could also be a day in which you feel like turning into a heap without any warning. Without any reason, because there doesn’t always need to be one.

Live your best life. Feel inspired by your past mistakes as a reason to stop settling and start choosing greatness. You can be great and you can certainly be happy. It’s not just a state of mind, it’s also a feeling.

 

[cover image via Pexels gallery on WordPress.]

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The belief in me, myself, and I

I’ve been doing some thinking. Well, not real thinking. I’ll save the deep thoughts for another post and another time. But, the kind of thinking that makes me realize that I have so much to look forward to. I am worthy of so much love, even though I do not feel any love towards me. Alright, I guess that is semi-deep. Whatever, I’m a writer ok.

No, I feel the love from friends, family and those in the support circle. However, I am not getting the kind of love I want. The kind of love I might require will lead me to a broken heart (I thought I had two, but turns out I am not actually a Time Lord. Oh well). To sweeten the taste of rejection I have had for years now, I will probably turn away from what might be a good opportunity in favor of something greater. I say this while also knowing I will probably still keep trying and failing to be the best at whatever I try. You only don’t have something when you really just don’t. What I mean by that is when you stop caring and decide to throw in the towel, then you let the dizziness of sameness fall over you. This equals to rejection after rejection after rejection. After rejection. You keep going though just to make a new goal. Make a new record. Oh wow, over 5 new rejections today! I’m not saying this is me, but I am saying that this could be you if you stop believing. Believing in yourself before you ask yourself what comes next. Believing in yourself is harder to do then you might think. We like to think of ourselves as wise and cool and better than the new generation, but are we? Are we honest with ourselves as much as we would like to be? Do you have doubts about yourself? In your work? You can’t let yourself down. You matter the most. 

So, I’m still doing fairly great. Thanks for asking actually. There are ups and downs in everyone’s lives. Other things we would much rather be doing instead of what we must do. This is the way it is, but if we focus on ourselves and our own goals then no one will dare to stop us. Because we will exude confidence and that’s like attractive.

If you’re a believer, I’m a believer.

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Love thyself ❤

No carping about

How do you stop a pest from growing? How do you stop a wild animal from taking cover in your sheets? How to stop those bad directions you keep getting on Google?

No easy answer to stop grieving. Grief is as real as we think it is. Recovery makes us stronger, but it takes it time to come upon us. We shatter when we think about how we are doing without careful inflection or thoughtful analysis. We do it anyway though. The shadow of your silhouette is on fire, dear.

You’re probably worse off than you think. You surround yourself with positivity to make these reminders that you are doing terrible seem less obvious. We all know the truth here though. You are actually doing unquestionably awesome. Just don’t tell that to the people who make greeting cards or they will be out of business in a field that relies on the awe of DIY and sincerity without digital means.

We’re all fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. You’ll always be alone because as humans we just are and that’s alright. We go to work alone. We come home alone. We take a shower alone. We walk alone. We are just lonely as a people, but we forge relationships and do this thing called “synergy” a great deal in an effort to make sanity a thing of the past. We are labeled as either “introverted” or “extroverted” but in truth, we are probably neither. We are probably just waiting for the bubble to break and world to end. So, labels are stupid that way because we made them up to explain ourselves to ourselves.

So keep recovering. Keep striving, keep doing well. Recovery comes in all forms. Don’t take everything you do too seriously or you will never be happy. This is a fact. Maybe you need time away from people that care the most about you. Maybe you need space. Maybe you don’t know exactly what you need right now. That’s all perfectly ok. You will make it soon enough. If you abandon the ones that care the most, though you will really be alone so don’t forget to reach out. Help is always there.

Be well, do well. You can’t be great because you are already amazing.

Cover image is Railey Beach, TH- August 2017.

Bad at love

I’m starting to think that wanting to do something good for yourself is a wasted idea. I’m working hard to keep my family sane but I’m drawing myself closer to darkness. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m drowning at everything I try my hand at. I can’t stay at jobs for long because I’m too restless. I’m sure I could work hard enough if I tried, but I never want to. I never feel like its worth it anymore.

Maybe all that is because I am failing when it comes to matters of the heart. I might be wrong, but that’s probably not a bad thing since it lets me have freedom in my own life. I don’t need a partner, I don’t need someone to have mutual feelings and I do not need to have that happy ending that so many people will not admit that their trajectory in life will somehow end up towards. It would, however, be nice to have the love that I hope I deserve. No, not the love of family. That is different and always there, even when you don’t feel it. I’m talking about the intimate, real and pure love between two people that are in love. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’m hoping against hope that I will get there soon.

I’m not one to pick apart at strings, but that’s what my life feels like lately. For most of my twenties, I was lost. I am still lost. I have no current job that gives me great joy. I haven’t found the work life or even the career that I believe is the right fit for me and I don’t believe I ever will. I’m too restless to settle in one thing and that’s probably my problem. But, I have some faith that I’ll find something. Something that will not only bring me joy but someone as well. It’s all I can hope for in this hopeless life anyway.

This feels a little sappy, but that’s how I am these days. What can I say, life is short and if you don’t yearn for the boring as well as the amazing then are you really even trying? Let me dream even if it doesn’t happen in the way I imagined. Dreams are funny that way.

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yes, bad a love indeed but its fine life is still good 🙂 

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sui generis

Sometimes we want to be different. Sometimes different means loving the wrong people or taking the wrong advice. We think we will find a new and unique way, but then realize that the others were right and there is no way out of the predicament we might have found ourselves in.

Let me say that with all honesty that the people closest to you are not always right. They might not have your best interests at heart, heck they might not even know your interests because they just want you around whatever your likes or dislikes may be. That’s all fine and good, but what happens when you find yourself alone again because everyone wants to move on. Letting you move on could be hard to comprehend, but might make all the sense to your family or friends. You need to be there for them and so you will, but you don’t have to feel like you need to be present for all those times either. If you are, that’s great and if not don’t sweat it out too much. It didn’t happen that you could stay in the same small town or big city and it didn’t work that you ever wanted to. “You let this happen” is what you might get told. “You want to leave” (oh the scandal!) is what they say. You are a fighter though and know that you need to try something different in order to come back even stronger than before. The ones that matter the most will understand and will support whatever decision you choose to make.

But be confident in that decision. Don’t be playin’ either. If you know what you want, you can say it easily. You can speak about it freely to friends without having to think about it first. That’s when you are sure about something. When you are not sure, you will get told to “find something around here” or at least “settle down” (or maybe that’s just a thing mom’s say?). Either way, you are putting yourself out there in a way you might not have felt comfortable with before. You are letting yourself feel vulnerable. I hope it is the best kind of vulnerable because you are so worth it.

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So be weird, be authentic to you. You’re different and the person writing this is also different. We might not all be wired the same, but when we need to be we know when to reach for our dreams in a big way (or at least as big as our small pockets can take us).

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On hating

Unquestionably, the reason why people hate others is because they think it serves a higher purpose. When someone doesn’t agree with another, they turn their ideas on their head and decide that they don’t have to simply “dislike” that thing they can go so far as hating it.

 

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Haters will always exist, people will always have a reason to want to bring someone else down. Maybe, I’m subconsciously bringing someone down right now because I feel less about myself. Maybe I want to feel validated about something or other. No matter, I will hold my ground and stay firm. I will not choose hate. I honestly will choose dislike or like, in terms of how I would want to be treated.

So, don’t hate. Don’t rear back and say you don’t hate and then go home and talk bad about someone. It’s more or less the same thing. You don’t do yourself any favors by harboring a stronger dislike to someone you disapprove of. No one needs anyone else’s approval or love, all anyone wants is to feel appreciated.

So love vs. hate apparently? Well, if not love, then honesty.

 

The one on loving yourself

Books and movies, makeup and gum. These are the the small things that make up the smaller portions that eventually add up to the larger part of my life. A life that is filled with goodness and good people. A livelihood that makes me realize how good I have it everyday. I have it so good I don’t even know where to begin.

But, I know I am loved. And I know that others are not. And I know I can’t do anything about that, but hope for the best. But that’s never enough. I can pray and give solace to those grieving on shattered losses. To a life that was well-spent far too early and a life that ended before anyone had the chance to say “thank-you” for existing. Because we forget to say it. We forget to think it. We forget to remind ourselves that we’re worth all that we say we are. And so so much more.

You might be reading this in a cramped little apartment or on the streets. In a car or on your phone. What you need to remember right now in this very moment is that you have the power to determine the course of your life. That you have the power to know whether the choice you make to get up today will impact the rest of your week in a good or bad way. And you ultimately decide what and whom to love. You don’t have to love everybody. Maybe your mother told you once that it’s important to treat all with respect and it probably is solid advice, but sorry mama we’re gonna have to turn our back on those that shut us out repeatedly. Kindness burns in our hearts, but that doesn’t mean that everyone burns that same kindness right back at us.

Love some. Dislike others. Hate no one. Desist fighting and resolve to be peaceful.

You can’t win all the wars and you can’t win all the fights, but you can be the person that knows your own worth matters more because you matter.