Hopeful but also hopeless

It’s a common theme to come back to something you might have been longing after a long time. You worked to resist temptation, you distracted yourself so well but you still longed for the restless energy that came with the feeling you made yourself throw away.

For a good month or so, I have been drifting into the territory of “almost failing.” This would mean that I am poised and ready for failure but also accepting of it at the same time. Failing where I am now and how far I have come would be a setback while at the same time not being a failure at all, but a challenge to grow and become stronger.

I have some strength left, but it takes focus and drive to want to make it to the end at this point. However, if hope has taught me anything it’s that it’s not worth my time to give up. It is worth all of my time, however, to keep going and not give in to setbacks.

I am with a great deal of hope while at the same time losing any sense of real hope as more time goes on. I have a real urgency to want to keep praying and hoping for good things to come, but I don’t know what it will bring. What other uncertainties am I prepared to handle? Can I handle more uncertainty?

I’m not hopeless, but I am almost out of hope.

Bad at love

I’m starting to think that wanting to do something good for yourself is a wasted idea. I’m working hard to keep my family sane but I’m drawing myself closer to darkness. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m drowning at everything I try my hand at. I can’t stay at jobs for long because I’m too restless. I’m sure I could work hard enough if I tried, but I never want to. I never feel like its worth it anymore.

Maybe all that is because I am failing when it comes to matters of the heart. I might be wrong, but that’s probably not a bad thing since it lets me have freedom in my own life. I don’t need a partner, I don’t need someone to have mutual feelings and I do not need to have that happy ending that so many people will not admit that their trajectory in life will somehow end up towards. It would, however, be nice to have the love that I hope I deserve. No, not the love of family. That is different and always there, even when you don’t feel it. I’m talking about the intimate, real and pure love between two people that are in love. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’m hoping against hope that I will get there soon.

I’m not one to pick apart at strings, but that’s what my life feels like lately. For most of my twenties, I was lost. I am still lost. I have no current job that gives me great joy. I haven’t found the work life or even the career that I believe is the right fit for me and I don’t believe I ever will. I’m too restless to settle in one thing and that’s probably my problem. But, I have some faith that I’ll find something. Something that will not only bring me joy but someone as well. It’s all I can hope for in this hopeless life anyway.

This feels a little sappy, but that’s how I am these days. What can I say, life is short and if you don’t yearn for the boring as well as the amazing then are you really even trying? Let me dream even if it doesn’t happen in the way I imagined. Dreams are funny that way.

yes, bad a love indeed but its fine life is still good 🙂 

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