Posted in goals, lists

The promise to write

Welp. Here we are again in this now familiar state. Me apologizing for the late posts and you returning for more. I claim to love writing, but don’t do it enough because it makes me think and well sometimes I don’t feel like thinking. I get that this is ok, but these days I think there would be nothing better than to write and just let it all out. Just let myself get absorbed in the nothingness of what I am currently.

I could go on and on about how much I need to get back on track. To get back to myself. Because I feel like I am losing who I am. I don’t want to be self-reliant on anyone, but I am afraid my days are turning out that way. I’m turning into someone that is moving away from independence and towards dependence. It has led me to rethink some things. Like, why am I drawn to certain things and not others? Why do I do this now and not do that anymore? Those kinds of thoughts pervade my mind now as I’m writing this. I’m sad about it, but there is a way to break out of the cycle.

That way starts with writing. I make a promise to myself now to not only keep blogging here but start free writing again. What about a novel? Hey, it could happen. Anything is possible. I’m also going to start a vlog channel, but instead of just talking about it I will actually do it. Yeah, I’m just going to go there. I could use this space to write the goals I want to do, in order to hold myself accountable in some way. I might write some of them now, just to give myself that needed the push I need.

  1. Write more
  2. Read (go to the library, read e-books)
  3. Listen to more podcasts (seriously lacking in this department, but used to listen to a lot of these, still so many good ones out there)
  4. Help someone else with their writing, whether through tutoring or teaching
  5. Take more pictures of life around me
  6. Take a photography class
  7. Take an intro. level guitar class
  8. Vlog (or try to)
  9. Sell things that do not give me joy
  10. Plan for a trip somewhere far away
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Posted in life, personal

Cyclical thoughts

I’m falling.

I wake up and I’m fine, but my head hurts now so I toss and turn until I realize that it’s pointless to find the source of the real dream. That was just in my head. That was just in my mind a second ago but is vanished now.

It’s the realization that I’m almost out of the twenties and haven’t done any of the cool things that twenty-somethings are supposed to do. Like those list articles say. No wait, I’ll make it happen though. Just you wait. I’ll travel, there’s still time. I’m not looking to be a mid-life divorcee traveling around the world to find herself. I haven’t found myself now. The quarter-century crisis, it seems continues as one ages. Bitterly destroying happy prospects of a rich life with negative energy.

Then I read, then I write. Then I stretch, then I think. Then I teach, then I write. Then I wonder what next. What next is the beginning to a series of questions called my life. I try to tell myself I should have taken that job or stayed there or done more, but I keep on and keep my head low knowing it doesn’t matter. I’m too restless, I want to leave someplace but at the same time comfort sinks me down like a deeply rooted anchor. What I have and love to have I can’t let go. This is the realization as I walk down the street, as I drive down the highway, and as I make up my mind about whether or not to move to another country.

I regroup, I resend the email. I delete the junk mail. I rethink about my choice thus far. I have had many opportunities, but did not seize them all. There are regrets of things I should have done and few for things I should not have said. There are moments of inner solitude filled with lowly tears and happy laughter, but its just me avoiding what moments to play out on repeat again and again.

This way, I think. This way, this road will lead me to a better life. It will give me answers. Everyone says that no one has the answers. But although Google has almost all the answers, it does not have the answers I need to hear. The ones that remind that I can do it if I just don’t think do much. Stop thinking so much. Stop thinking so much.

But then I know. I can’t do such a thing. I can never stop thinking at all. To do so would mean that I have stopped living.

So then I close my eyes and I’m falling…

 

(cover image by wonderferret on Flickr, Creative Commons license).

Posted in goals, life, self-actualization

Gratification

When was the last time you said what you were grateful for?

No, this is not about religion, faith or spirituality. If you define this question on those terms, then you’re thinking is slightly on the negative side. Maybe its getting better, what do I know? No, I know. You can’t think about your next breath let alone next week. Your days and months need to planned out to the last detail. You know who you are.

Of course, I don’t know you. I know me. Since, I want to write a post but I also want to sleep let’s see if I can think of twenty things/people/ideas I am grateful for. I might make some up along the way that I never thought about but here we go.

1. My mom

2. Books

3. My sisters

4. My family

5. My parents

6. My fandoms

7. Books

8. Ability to write

9. The chance that I actually do love writing, like it’s my passion (unless we’re talking technical writing then you’re on your own there buddy.)

10. Pilates

11. Yoga

12. Journaling, goes along with writing but I love my journals

13. Music

14. Libraries, but only some librarians. (sidenote: I always wanted to work in a library. I would be cooler than the older–but nice!–ladies but alas nope).

15. The ability to go outside

16. The ability to feel the wind on my face and be able to get outside of a stuffy house or room

17. Nail art that I used to be more into, but still sorta am but then not really because that takes time ya know?

18. A roof over my head

19. A place to lay my head each night

20. This moment.

Alright, that wasn’t so hard. I got to 20 pretty quickly actually. Comment below what you’re grateful for.

Smile if you aren’t already, its good for your face to exercise.