On growing up

I don’t often feel independent enough to deal with my own life. I’m still working at it, but I know that I don’t need to working so hard to do what might be easy for other people to do. Instead, I’m left feeling as though I have a privilege that is lost on other people. A kind of feeling that is unreachable, but not defined clearly either.

I’m restless, but calm. Eager, yet timid. I have made gains in terms of approaching fears, but little in the way of conquering those fears in a way that seems and feels effortless. I’m different, yes but so are you reading this. I’m weak to negative thoughts, but I amp up the positive thoughts with words and thoughtful mediations.

Yesterday, I was uncertain. Today, I am still uncertain but more in the direction of why am I uncertain. Should I be uncertain in the state I am in? Will these feelings last forever? I cannot say, but I know that I can try to implement a stronger approach to living well. A brighter outlook that takes a dark toll when I’m not looking will serve me no good anyway.

So the world grew up and turned ugly. The oceans are not oceans. The people are not people, but mere ghosts just wisping around. The people are not always you and I, but everyone else. No one and I mean no one wants to be like everyone else. The largest paradox of human history is that we have history, but we are history at the same time. No, that’s not a paradox on second thought it’s just a way of life.

Me, myself and I sounds conceited. What about you, yourself and you? What about her and him and all of them? No one waits on anyone else quite like they wait for themselves.

I’m still waiting and I’ll keep waiting until I find the answer to this wild and crazy life that I think will suit me best.

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The purpose of tears

It’s amazing how we think we can build a house on a mountain. That we can create change just by being actively involved in a cause. That we believe our voice is stronger than the ones in the back.

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The reality of what might be pushing us back is that we are reluctant, but claim to be unafraid. We are resilient, but also willfully scared of change. It’s the backbone of an inspiring story that might have already been written or is just waiting to be written. It’s the gaps in silences pushing you away from something you might want but don’t fully know why.

You don’t have to feel as though you need to do it all in a day. Whatever it is will happen irrespective of how you feel about the outcome. Good or bad, better or worse. The fight you have left in you will start to wear you down and make you possibly regret what you decided to fight in the first place. Make you wonder why you chose the path of least resistance. Is less resistance something you want or need? Is it something you want to work towards? Aim higher. Aim to give yourself more than what you think you can actually achieve. What you don’t achieve this year will happen the next year. Carry on, but set your aim higher.

So keep your chin up. Mine is all the way up now that I’ve reached the end of writing this (who can say how long it will keep up though). Keep fighting the internal battle with your words, with your head and your mind to quit or keep going. You know what is right, so keep at it. Keep at it, keep doing what you’re doing.

Love yourself.

Apprehensive

I’m a little worried about going back to failure. I’m also relieved that this will be a fresh new start, or at least resemble it.

It starts that way. The fear tries to eat at you, day in and day out. You do things to get your mind out of the scenarios you have found yourself in but it is generally to no use. You can’t bring your mind to completely shut off. To tell yourself that its ok to not want to think about the larger problem at stake.

There might not even be any problem, but the fear still persists. That you have made a terrible mistake. That you will never stop berating yourself over the decision. Which has already been made and which you need to learn to deal with.

Despite the fear you know you cannot hold onto, you still have some uncertainty. In fact, if the grand plan fails go back to the back-up plans. At this point, plan B is not well-thought out. It’s another grand task to think of the second plan in case of disaster. However, mentally preparing for disaster and heartbreak might mean that when those things actually happen it makes it easier, but it is quite the opposite. In fact, it makes it harder.

However, I’m pressing on and telling the negative toxins to leave me alone because I cannot let my fear of failure hold me back any longer.

on growing

There are times in life when we feel like we’re either floating along or flying along. I’m a mixture of both these days. I’m feeling a bit like I am waiting for my “big break.” And, no I don’t know what I mean by that either. Earnestly waiting, but not giving myself the chance to feel ashamed for not having all the answers I need at this point either.

Doing something different brings with it a new set of challenges. Some that create an undefined mental state. Others in which I feel an indulgence I had not felt before. I am waiting for something big to happen, but not sure what that will be or when. I am accepting of the fact that who I am today will gradually change over the course of this new endeavor. In one year, I will not be the person I am today. I will have learned how to manage, sustain and develop outcomes that will push me on the path to higher growth. I need to remind myself each and every day that the pain I feel of not completing the given task is not the end of the journey. It’s a step in the right direction and a difficult step that I need to keep taking in order to do what is uncomfortable, but also needed.

I can’t and will not have all the answers. I might not know how far I need to go, but I will work hard to get there. Whatever it takes to help me grow and grow and grow.

Floating stardust

That feeling of feeling lost or overwhelmed is evident when you decide to not set goals. Maybe you say you have “no goals”, but ultimately everyone has an endgame. There is a destination that we’re all hoping to get to one day, hopefully not by wasted dream but instead by manifested reality.

In all my wildest dreams, I always imagined myself to be doing the things that matter. The things that will make me a “somebody,” as if I am not already. It is as if I have some kind of aim to be famous, but no exact direction to get there. My kind of fame is the sort where I wonder what I am doing wasting my time with no plan, but feel happy regardless. No, not happy in spite of or because of. Simply happy, because I do have what I need.

Anyway, as I’m reflecting on how to get myself out there I know I don’t need to at the same time. I can be content being a nobody to most people, because to the ones that count I am a somebody. Also, according to physics, we are all just bits of stars. 

I’m a star, you’re a star. We’re all stars.

No carping about

How do you stop a pest from growing? How do you stop a wild animal from taking cover in your sheets? How to stop those bad directions you keep getting on Google?

No easy answer to stop grieving. Grief is as real as we think it is. Recovery makes us stronger, but it takes it time to come upon us. We shatter when we think about how we are doing without careful inflection or thoughtful analysis. We do it anyway though. The shadow of your silhouette is on fire, dear.

You’re probably worse off than you think. You surround yourself with positivity to make these reminders that you are doing terrible seem less obvious. We all know the truth here though. You are actually doing unquestionably awesome. Just don’t tell that to the people who make greeting cards or they will be out of business in a field that relies on the awe of DIY and sincerity without digital means.

We’re all fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. You’ll always be alone because as humans we just are and that’s alright. We go to work alone. We come home alone. We take a shower alone. We walk alone. We are just lonely as a people, but we forge relationships and do this thing called “synergy” a great deal in an effort to make sanity a thing of the past. We are labeled as either “introverted” or “extroverted” but in truth, we are probably neither. We are probably just waiting for the bubble to break and world to end. So, labels are stupid that way because we made them up to explain ourselves to ourselves.

So keep recovering. Keep striving, keep doing well. Recovery comes in all forms. Don’t take everything you do too seriously or you will never be happy. This is a fact. Maybe you need time away from people that care the most about you. Maybe you need space. Maybe you don’t know exactly what you need right now. That’s all perfectly ok. You will make it soon enough. If you abandon the ones that care the most, though you will really be alone so don’t forget to reach out. Help is always there.

Be well, do well. You can’t be great because you are already amazing.

Cover image is Railey Beach, TH- August 2017.