I think that these days, I would like to say that I’m busy but still free.
I am taking the opportunities that are coming my way, but I want bigger things too. I want things that make me not question why I’m doing them. I’m sure in my heart what those things are, but speaking out about what I really want is not what the people around me want. The refrain I hear again and again is to just “stay.” To keep in the place that continues to be a place of despair, but one in which I feel pressured to stay in.
I need new experiences in different places. I haven’t been everywhere. Not by a long shot. I don’t really do bucket lists or things like that. I just make small lists and they are goals of things that I aim to achieve. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not.
In any case, I am striving to be something. To be someone, rather. I am still very much rooted in the ideals that I was brought up with, but I’m imagining myself apart from that as well. In a world in which I am free to do and see the things I yearn to do. It’s not that anyone is stopping me and it’s not that I am not able to go, its that responsibility pushes me to stop. Just stop and realize that all I might need is not far away after all.
However, while I’m keeping busy with numerous projects and work, I would still like more me time. More focus on what brings me joy.
When I get there, it will not be said in words but emotions.
Until then, I’ll be flying busy, free, and wild all at the same time. Every day.
I recently dreamt that I was being told that “my profession is a failure.” The person was not wrong, but the idea remains in my mind of how little I am doing each day. Of course, I always believe I could be doing more and setting goals that I will achieve. I know I am only letting down myself when I neglect a goal for the day.
In other times, it feels as though I am not doing enough to be happy. That should make sense when reading it the first time, if not rethink how you view happiness. It should come easily, it shouldn’t be forced and it should be about you. My great fear is that I am becoming a person of habit, but then its also not a fear at all because as most people get older this is a fact of life. I embrace this I suppose. I want to know how to stop feeling terrible about not reaching goals. It’s not really something that is easily achieved (irony).
In the case of the world, it’s terrible and none of what I’m saying matters. In your own life, you’re probably having a good week or a bad week (or maybe somewhere in the middle). You’re wondering how you got to this blog post that is going on about being happy and reaching goals and blah blah blah.
Maybe I’m just writing the basics of a suitable post. Maybe I’m just doing the basics when it comes to a generally happy life situation. I’m not quite there yet. If I can make it, so can you.
It doesn’t mean they have never been loved. It does not mean they think you are less than them. It might mean any number of things, you remind yourself as you try to not let the words get to you. Words are only words until they hurt. Sticks and stones can break you, but words will always hurt you inside more. However, if you keep faking it and continue to tell yourself that “words won’t hurt me” then you start to believe this until eventually, you are braver than you think. You can do anything because you are not afraid. You have pain, yes. But that pain is only secondary to the gratitude you will feel at having realized that the only person making it worse is you.
People can be selfish
Maybe you argue that you are also selfish. You are the bearer of your own problems and take full responsibility for all your actions. Possibly, however, all this creates a cycle of hating oneself. It doesn’t stop so easily once you have started either. You want what works for you, what is convenient for you and what allows you to do as little effort as possible. You know you can do more, you know you are capable but you rely on instinct as a reminder of what to do next. There’s nothing wrong with this, but when more than one person is involved it’s a tricky line between selfishness and laziness.
People can judge
Mostly because they don’t know you and also because making judgments about people we do not know is what society loves the most. A recent question I was asked revolved around me and danced around the idea of me being qualified as well as dependable. It started innocently enough, with a meaning to give new life to a certain place with the end result landing in uncertainty and slashed hopes. The question I was asked after going through my educational background and experience was: “are your parents here?” That’s all. A quick check to ask if I am legal in a way that does not seem offensive. It was anyway. I am legal. I am dependable. I am honest. I can give you what you are looking for, if only it was white.
People are not you
I know that you’re pretty awesome. I’m awesome too, by the way. I’m rooting for myself every day to reach the goals I set for myself. I hope that you are able to reach your own dreams as well. You probably already know this, but people are terrible and will try to bring you down. You can’t let them try to tear your mind open. You have to stand firm and allow yourself the knowledge that you are wiser than “them.” Why? Because you are not going to let the frustrations of disappointment get to you. No, you must not because when you do that you have let them won and you definitely do not want that. You are great and they are envious. Not all people can make their own personal goals, they must copy other goals.
That feeling of feeling lost or overwhelmed is evident when you decide to not set goals. Maybe you say you have “no goals”, but ultimately everyone has an endgame. There is a destination that we’re all hoping to get to one day, hopefully not by wasted dream but instead by manifested reality.
In all my wildest dreams, I always imagined myself to be doing the things that matter. The things that will make me a “somebody,” as if I am not already. It is as if I have some kind of aim to be famous, but no exact direction to get there. My kind of fame is the sort where I wonder what I am doing wasting my time with no plan, but feel happy regardless. No, not happy in spite of or because of. Simply happy, because I do have what I need.
Anyway, as I’m reflecting on how to get myself out there I know I don’t need to at the same time. I can be content being a nobody to most people, because to the ones that count I am a somebody. Also, according to physics, we are all just bits of stars.
It would seem that in most areas of life, people are trying to get by on the promise of greatness someone else told them. It’s possible that greatness will not be achieved nor will it amount to any real goals. Not unless it is acted upon.
I’ve noticed that people that do great are those that, among other things, are early risers. Now, I do love sleeping but I also love to be productive and not waste time in the day. In a habit that I could break any day now, I wake up way before the sun and then stay up working on other tasks that take time but are better achieved in the morning hours. The reason for my early get-up has to do with the online work I do, but I have grown to see the benefits of waking up early the more that I do it.
There a feeling of duty and not laziness. Sure, you might love to crawl back into bed and into those warm blankets but you got yourself up for a reason. You want to work on a certain task(s) and this is the time to do it. Yes social media is there, but it’s quiet. Most people are sleeping when you are working on your self. Great work. Maybe if you’re up for it, you can squeeze in a morning workout as well. This can help energize the rest of your day and 11 pm will really start to feel like how your mother described it once as “half the day gone” because you have been so productive in the morning.
So maybe you’re reading this while drinking coffee. Maybe you’re sick and lying on your computer all day. It’s possible you don’t want to be a morning person. No one said you had to be, you do have to find the way to make your goals happen that work best for you.
Maybe someone once told you that you can’t do something and now it’s making you feel like more than a failure than usual. Someone might have told you “if this can’t work next month, then goodbye” or “hope it all works out for you.” These are only examples of things that will bring your self-esteem more down than you need it to be.
To get that self-esteem back, the best thing to remember is that you can’t live up to any expectations others set. You are your own person and you have your own goals. Achieve them on your own time and level. It’s best to think about it this way: Your success does not denote you to the same achievements as others, because those goals are not always what you really want.
What you really want then is to carve out a kind of goal that makes you feel fulfilled. Makes you wonder how you got so lucky at that thing called life. You didn’t, luck is not part of the deal it’s all chance and hard work (unless you don’t play by the rules).
You will get pushed aside and disregarded. It’s part of the goal to get you to a happier place and despite your best efforts, you will still not get where you need to be and what you want without a little pushback. The key is to not let those negative pushes turn into drawbacks for you. Keep striving and keep fighting.
The biggest battle to fight is that which is within yourself. You might not ever overcome it, or pull back from it in pieces and shards only. This is fine, as long as it makes you remember to stay on the path and push forward. Mistakes are just that: Mistakes. They are not an error on you or your character, think differently about your past choices this way.
It’s likely that this year you have faced some failures. Some mishaps. Found yourself on a path that you’re not entirely proud of, but you are hoping for the best at this point. You are pretty certain that you are doing ok, but not sure what steps to take next to be great. The struggle comes from the realization that you are and probably always will be a failure in some way.
In the same vein though, you are the exact opposite of that. You are thriving and growing each and every day. Yay you! Alright, so let’s say it’s five years from now, you have achieved what you wanted and satisfaction is oh so sweet. You’re feeling not just happy, but pure contentment in your life and choices. Something is nagging at you though and it is the need to create. As humans we will always want to create something, it doesn’t matter your personality type (introverted or extroverted). However, creativity can lead to different happiness levels. Maybe your feelings on a certain subject or idea will change. Maybe you will hate everything about what your life has become up to that point. Maybe you wonder if you are not actually putting your time to good use. After all, creativity is everywhere and not everyone has to be a part of that. You can buy creativity but would it mean anything to you, would it have any value?
Let me say this then. You’re a teacher. You’re a writer. You’re a U/X designer. You’re an IT professional. You’re a babysitter. You’re a grocery-store clerk. You’re a bookseller. You’re a librarian. You’re a barista. You are creative, but you a part of a generation that doesn’t value you. You’re part of a society that values things that are more practical because they make more sense for future generations. Things like STEM technology, e-commerce and trade, finance and banking, law, and medicine are jobs the world needs more than a teacher or writer. The things that you want to do may not lead you down an easy road to success. You definitely won’t get to where to want to be that quickly. You need the drive and patience to not give up.
Success will never be easy if you’re a teacher. You won’t be making much. You will be overworked. You might have to work two other jobs, at least. You will have to take care of other personal projects as they come. You have to fight your own battles out there you creative soul.
Success may make or break you. I hope that it will make you stronger, but it could very well be very hard to achieve and that alone could break you until you are a shattered mess. Hold strong and remember that success is not a shot in the dark but a glowing bright light in a room full of shadows.
You got this. I got this. We all got this.
(cover/featured image via Pexels photo gallery through WordPress).