It’s amazing how we think we can build a house on a mountain. That we can create change just by being actively involved in a cause. That we believe our voice is stronger than the ones in the back.
The reality of what might be pushing us back is that we are reluctant, but claim to be unafraid. We are resilient, but also willfully scared of change. It’s the backbone of an inspiring story that might have already been written or is just waiting to be written. It’s the gaps in silences pushing you away from something you might want but don’t fully know why.
You don’t have to feel as though you need to do it all in a day. Whatever it is will happen irrespective of how you feel about the outcome. Good or bad, better or worse. The fight you have left in you will start to wear you down and make you possibly regret what you decided to fight in the first place. Make you wonder why you chose the path of least resistance. Is less resistance something you want or need? Is it something you want to work towards? Aim higher. Aim to give yourself more than what you think you can actually achieve. What you don’t achieve this year will happen the next year. Carry on, but set your aim higher.
So keep your chin up. Mine is all the way up now that I’ve reached the end of writing this (who can say how long it will keep up though). Keep fighting the internal battle with your words, with your head and your mind to quit or keep going. You know what is right, so keep at it. Keep at it, keep doing what you’re doing.
As I write this, it’s the start of a new year but it feels like that’s not the point. It feels like all the “goals” I thought about might not happen. It feels as though I am near throwing it all away because I will get inundated with the details. The not-so minor details but details nonetheless.
I’m prepared for a fight. A chance to let myself feel as though I need to work harder and do better. The people around me telling me that I am “doing a great job” and “thank you for your hard work” only serve to remind me that this it likely to end. What this is will not be explained here, but it was meant to be the start of something bright and wonderful. Maybe it could still be that way, but the chance for that is approaching the category of slim.
I do still believe in myself. I don’t believe I should do the things that do not give me joy. That I should continue to press on despite abuse and harsh circumstances. I believe that things get better before they get worse. I see a way out, but I don’t see a way to get there yet. Maybe this is my way of starting to find a way out. A way to sanity, to the edge of someplace safe.
You should be strong of things you are not sure about.
You should keep pushing through the difficult times because there is someone that is rooting for you even if you don’t feel it.
Instead of this or that, maybe I could just be. It’s a simple concept in thought but a much more complex idea when acted upon. I don’t need specificity when it comes to why something should be done, I simply need the determination and will to want to do it. It’s a much different thing to want something than to need something.
Instead of telling myself that I cannot do it, I will just do it and see what mistakes I make later. I will refrain as best as I can from providing critical self-checks that only pull me back into not reaching the goal I set for myself. Self-esteem is like the wind that carries you away with it or pulls you into it. You are never pushing against it because you don’t want to be seen as someone with problems with self-esteem, but likely the act of doing that alone means you are pushing against these high sails of self-esteem. It’s doesn’t have to be a barrier, but a way to the endgame. Whatever that endgame may be for you.
It’s about time to take stock of what I own and clean it out. Throw it. Chuck it. Dispose of it. Render it useless and toss it to the curb.
I’ve actually thrown out a lot of things recently. Shredded a lot of paperweight as well (sorry trees). There are still things I own that I could do without. Things that I know that if I did not have I would not miss much. What those things are exactly I could not say, however making a list might help. Might being the operative word. I still like my stuff but I want to not like my stuff at the same time.
Then there’s the books. I’ve put many in boxes that I think are good to give away. Others cannot be parted with. I do want some kind of collection anyway. Other books are related to what I do and are at this point staring at me every day wondering why I don’t pick them up already. So, reading and enjoying books is something I have ironically lost in the last year. It saddens me because literature and the arts is the very thing I claim to thrive on and what I want the youth to love. I am well aware, however that one cannot preach something if they are not doing it themselves as well (yes, there are plenty of people who do this but we’re not getting into them).
So what do I do now? Well, what I can do is do better. Avoid the dust pileup and read those books. No one is going to do it for me and no one will make the time if I don’t.
I’m a little worried about going back to failure. I’m also relieved that this will be a fresh new start, or at least resemble it.
It starts that way. The fear tries to eat at you, day in and day out. You do things to get your mind out of the scenarios you have found yourself in but it is generally to no use. You can’t bring your mind to completely shut off. To tell yourself that its ok to not want to think about the larger problem at stake.
There might not even be any problem, but the fear still persists. That you have made a terrible mistake. That you will never stop berating yourself over the decision. Which has already been made and which you need to learn to deal with.
Despite the fear you know you cannot hold onto, you still have some uncertainty. In fact, if the grand plan fails go back to the back-up plans. At this point, plan B is not well-thought out. It’s another grand task to think of the second plan in case of disaster. However, mentally preparing for disaster and heartbreak might mean that when those things actually happen it makes it easier, but it is quite the opposite. In fact, it makes it harder.
However, I’m pressing on and telling the negative toxins to leave me alone because I cannot let my fear of failure hold me back any longer.
It’s a known fact that hard things are hard. When faced with difficulty, it seems as though we try to forget it exists and harbour negative feelings in our heads. Just letting those thoughts permeate through whatever we are doing or trying to do. Failure becomes not an obstacle, but an absolute.
Despite setbacks, I think you owe yourself a round of applause. Go ahead, clap for yourself. I’ll wait.
Don’t forget that when you downplay the things you could not do, you diminish what you can do.
I’m not sure of your role or job, but you don’t have to let yourself feel as though you need to do it all. Yes, that is what most people say these days especially those that advocate for more mindful thinking or more productivity with less stress. Being productive means different things for different people. Maybe you, the person hoping to find some quiet inspiration reading this today, need to adjust your productivity levels. At least, find a way to know what is productive for you and why.
These are not just the small things. These are all bigger actors playing the role of motivator in your life. The actions you take make you an asset, good or bad. The values you seek make you honest or fair. Maybe you’re still seeking out what makes you valuable, however those that admire and think you are worth it will tell you otherwise. I will tell you otherwise and I don’t even know you.
So keep going. Remember to keep thinking of why and what your why is in regards to your life. It’s not always personal, but usually it is.
Salagadoola mechicka boola Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo It’ll do magic, believe it or not Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
The everyday life you lead is probably not exciting, nor is it magical in any way. You would like to say you do so many cool things all the time. Things that make you feel like you are doing something worth your time. Of course, most of what you do is always worth it, but none of us see it that way because we always will want more. Will need more, will expect more, and will pursue more.
At the very least, what you can try to be is daring. Yeah, that’s a new thing you can strive for this year. No more wallowing. Yes, you wallow and it’s time to stop.
Daring in the sense that you are willing to not only go the extra step but also take a step back and right a wrong. Don’t hold grudges even if you think forgiveness is stupid. Dare yourself to walk for ten minutes a day. Dare yourself to read for ten minutes a day. Dare yourself to get off social media for twenty minutes a day. Dare yourself to not only say you’ll drink more water but actually do it, by throwing out all that La Croix or dumping it all out. You can never really run out of dares, you can just keep struggling to make yourself do them. However, that is not a failure but is admitting you have limits like most people.
I hope you do something pretty cool today. Maybe it won’t be that daring or maybe it will. Either way, I hope you feel great about it and you take the chance to better yourself in this way.
(please don’t dare yourself to steal things or kill someone).
Words: Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo from Cinderella (written in 1948 by Al Hoffman, Mack David, and Jerry Livingston).