The many amazing books I want to read (mostly non-fiction at this point)
The podcasts that are interesting and screaming for my attention
Love interests that are on hold
The yoga routines that are falling flat
The daily meditations that are lacking
I’m working, I’m not slowing down and it’s starting to make me feel dread at when I will not be working. It’s highly likely that I will have some of those days when I feel like throwing in the towel will be the best option, the most formidable option. However, I am pushing myself to the point of near burnout. I am making myself lose my humanity. I do not thrive well under stress. I need the strength to remain calm under pressure, however my voice is getting the better of me these days. Keep calm and carry a big voice is what they say.
It take a lot for an introverted person like myself to raise my voice. To work to clear the air and get the attention of everyone. It makes me feel as though I am still underachieving in that I am unable to work towards harnessing this voice. I need a strong voice. A strong start and a strong foundation in order to help me be a leader in a time when I really do not want to be one. I am not where I need to be yet, but I am going somewhere. I might not be walking there, but I am going there fast and moving constantly.
Five things that do not bring me joy but maybe did once:
1) Makeup (it’s great and I still love it, but I won’t say that I need it. I really don’t need it at all.
2) Books (this doesn’t mean I don’t like reading please note. I’m working on trying to love this again, I don’t know).
3) Shopping (what a bore).
4) Photography (I tried so hard for so long that now I don’t care to be perfect).
5) Jewelry (not the flashy).
What I’m working on bringing back into my life:
Love, lust, and the need to want to create. I think I have lost creativity in the sense that I don’t know how to be useful. I want to contribute something great, but don’t know what exactly. So, of course, I am still a creative person as always but lost in how to gain that pure happiness. I’ll get it back though.
It’s been five months since this blog has been updated. That’s way too long. Not really sure how that happened, but yeah there it is. Five months. Whoo, so much has happened.
To start with, I am teaching English abroad. I am living in a different country. I am immersed in a local culture that five months prior I really knew nothing about. Life is so crazy. I have made so many new friends and learned so much about life. Things that I took for granted before are greatly missed. I miss people from home, foods and the reminder that I am not alone. Those are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.
I teach kindergarten and grade 2 to children who barely speak English or really none at all. It’s a challenge working to meet them on their level. To try to make them understand me and what I am trying to teach them. At the same time, it’s a joy that is unparalleled to anything else I’ve done. Sometimes I wake up and can’t believe I do what I do. Can’t believe that I take the time to create a lesson, can’t believe that I am teaching in a country so far away from home, can’t believe that I am living and going to work in another country. Some things are similar (Mondays suck no matter what country you’re in) and others are different. If it wasn’t for technology allowing me to talk to family back home, I would be sad all the time honestly. Social media keeps me locked in, but I’ve become more out of tune with the news cycle. I just don’t follow it as regularly as I used to. I’ve stepped out of that political news bubble and it feels very freeing.
I make myself feel stronger by knowing that it doesn’t have to all be about me. It’s about the kids. That’s the job I came to do and it comes first. Of course, it doesn’t take precedence though over a life well-lived. What I mean by that is, I came to teach sure but also to explore and travel and see things. That is what I try to do when I have the chance. To go someplace new, discover a new place and meet new people along the way as well. It’s all relative, but it keeps me grounded knowing that I have come so far already. Knowing that as of late, I am keeping myself fairly healthy with the new foods I have found and consume. I also know that the support system I have in place works because it is strong and built to make me want to keep doing this.
Getting out of bed each day, I tell myself that I’ll do some “organizing” today. It doesn’t always happen. The one thing that I wanted to do in that organizing list was write. Just write. Nothing fancy, no planning. No order. In a place that is bright, perhaps in a nearby park that I enjoy going to. It’s important to find solace in the things that give us joy when we are feeling alone and know that no one else can understand us. I can’t make friends easily, but I am working on it. I could have gone out today, explored or walked. I did not. Instead, I let myself breathe into the temptation to do nothing. To just relax. I do this often though (mostly because teaching a class of 42 is hard and grueling work) and I want to do more. To see more. But, I also know its ok to not want to. It’s ok to want to push yourself to try though.
I tried. I succeeded. It’s a process and it’s still going strong.
As the title of this blog would assume, I am a writer. I am also trying to figure out what to do with my life. This blog helps me vent. It helps me focus on other things, like giving helpful advice or making arbitrary lists. No rhyme or reason to any of the posts, but I try to have a theme for each if possible.
The dictionary definition of trajectory is the curve or projectile, like a rocket in flight. In Geometry, this refers to a curve or surface that cuts all the curves or surfaces of a given system at a current angle. It’s possible that I look up the definition for trajectory often and just stare at it on google. Either way, you can see that it refers to an upward moving climb. Something that is going up, reaching higher and thrusting itself into launch. Like a launchpad, but already lifted off. Into the great unknown. The statistics would assume that I have it all planned out if this is the title, because trajectory refers to things that go up right? But, quite the contrary. Maybe it sounds exciting because it means hopeful in your mind, but in my mind it is also in the title as a way to mean the exact opposite.
This blog doesn’t always make sense. I strive for nonsense on the daily in fact. But, at its core, it is still a place where I write the things that I hold dear. Some of those things don’t matter in the long run or the grand scheme of things, but I really like to get the ball rollin’ and live in the present moment (Yay idioms!). Regardless, the way I see myself now will probably be different than how I see myself five years from now. When I began this blog four years ago, I can certainly say that I picked the title at random to muse about my writing and whatever came to mind.
I advise people who do use the word trajectory to know why they’re using it. Do you know it means the curve described by a projectile or rocket in flight? Isn’t that cool information to know? Yes, definitely is some Jeopardy level knowledge there. Which is to say its general knowledge that you should already know. (Not assuming that you know everything on Jeopardy though, that would be premature but anything is possible on that game show). So think up. Think to rise above. Go around the curve, sweep through it. Find a path removed from gravity with which to give rise to your talents. That word to describe what you find can be as simple as “path”. It can be as easy as knowing that you are moving up, not down in what you do.
The trajectory of my life continues to ascend and force me to reach for the stars, in a metaphorical way of course.