I think that these days, I would like to say that I’m busy but still free.
I am taking the opportunities that are coming my way, but I want bigger things too. I want things that make me not question why I’m doing them. I’m sure in my heart what those things are, but speaking out about what I really want is not what the people around me want. The refrain I hear again and again is to just “stay.” To keep in the place that continues to be a place of despair, but one in which I feel pressured to stay in.
I need new experiences in different places. I haven’t been everywhere. Not by a long shot. I don’t really do bucket lists or things like that. I just make small lists and they are goals of things that I aim to achieve. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not.
In any case, I am striving to be something. To be someone, rather. I am still very much rooted in the ideals that I was brought up with, but I’m imagining myself apart from that as well. In a world in which I am free to do and see the things I yearn to do. It’s not that anyone is stopping me and it’s not that I am not able to go, its that responsibility pushes me to stop. Just stop and realize that all I might need is not far away after all.
However, while I’m keeping busy with numerous projects and work, I would still like more me time. More focus on what brings me joy.
When I get there, it will not be said in words but emotions.
Until then, I’ll be flying busy, free, and wild all at the same time. Every day.
It’s not like you mean to. It’s not like you want to either. You tell yourself that you are ok, that you are doing fine–great even. It is to no avail. You are in a terrible state of heartache that you fear you are only covering up and not setting free.
It’s a great tragedy of the world that heartbreak happens to everyone. At any point in one’s life. It just does. Most people find a way to get through it one way or another, while others avoid talking about it for some time as a way to help with coping. No one is saying this out loud, but what one really needs is to go back to what they once had but not in the same way because that would be a step backward but in a way that reminds them that those memories were great for a reason. Hopefully, by now you have figured out that you need to own up to which memories you are willing to part with. Because you must.
You do not need to be defined by a certain set of life experiences or background. You probably don’t need to be defined by anything, however, society and the workplace would think differently. In which case, it’s important to reframe what we want and make that our goal. Don’t let past mistakes or judgments cloud your thoughts. It’s not about that, it’s about what you want right now.
It won’t be easy. It will be a long road and you will probably revert back to your old ways at some point if your plans fall through. If your old self was a bad version of yourself that you disliked, then force yourself away from that mindset. Strive to create a better you just by writing down three things you will do in one day. It will make you rebalance and restructure what matters most. Possibly lead you to wonder who matters most, though in the cases where you are confident in what you want you don’t need to question who or what matters the most. In all cases, you should matter most. However, we usually forget this and focus all energy on other tasks. More important things we like to say.
Maybe you just miss what you used to have. Or maybe not at all. Yes, you do, you sincerely and honestly do miss things and people at times. It’s a truth that not everyone can say because it admits to having some fears. Missing a home when you are away or missing family or missing friends are all things that you might feel constantly. You move on though because “missing” is too much and you don’t have time for too much. Not today anyway. You forget, though that the experiences you had make you great. They make you who you are. Miss out on not reaching the goals you thought about way back when and you start to think that you are doing something wrong.
Reminder: You are doing everything right in the best way that you can
Do you know what is upsetting? Deciding that I can do something, trying it and finding myself failing terribly at that very thing. It’s one of those things that makes me get down on myself, but I try to remember that my mistakes are a part of my larger picture of life.
So, I did some applying this year. Found myself in the same boat as I was in a few years back. I looked back to my love of fitness to point me towards a career path. I tried to find the time to write. I made myself write something random or a story for a while, then sort of forgot about it. Then, I decided that I was taking a jump into something just after one webinar. Teaching ESL is still very new to me, mostly because I haven’t done a lot of teaching yet but I hope to in the next year. I also hope to travel somewhere to teach, to explore, and to learn. Mostly, I want to go places to help myself out of the hole I found myself in. So, I’m pushing myself through.
It’s nice to say that I would like to end up with someone with money. Someone that has it all figured out. But, not really at the same time. I want to live for myself and while I can’t say I’m struggling or crying myself to sleep every night (there have been a few though)-I know how to deal with some of the curveballs life throws my way. Not all the curveballs; can’t say I’m all the way to knowing the trick to that yet but thankfully I have a strong support system as well.
I hope that as you read this and think about your past achievements and what you would like to achieve in the future, you remember that no one knows you better than yourself.
I don’t you and you don’t me, so this much I can say is true enough for most.