I’m pretty sure..

I’m pretty sure that life is a waste of energy if you are not spending your time wisely. I’m pretty sure that I’m just fooling myself into wasting my time each day doing mundane things. I’m pretty fairly sure that I don’t know what to write about right now.

*****

Speaking of people, have you heard that your brain is always in motion? It’s true. I think that studies show this and I could probably link to a few if I knew what I was even on about (but since I don’t, like usual I’ll just continue to ramble). What are you thinking about right now? I am thinking that I would like to understand why our brain does the things it does. Why do we do that instead of doing that? Or why do we go to the park instead of the movies? Why go for a walk instead of a bike ride? Why watch Netflix when we can watch YouTube? We don’t consciously make these decisions really (well sometimes we do, because maybe we really have to see the next episode) but it mostly comes from natural routine. It’s so boring and mundane that if something were to go wrong here (in this moment) our brains already know what to do and would just go with the regular, the everyday. Sorry, you have to go for a walk because that’s what your brain wants. It’s what you want too, but you can’t say it aloud.

So I think that you’re probably wondering what to do next. What to read next, what to try next or what goal to set next. Your brain already knows that you may or may not do these things. We all must work on ourselves each and every day. The signals our brain gives us lets us know that we need to focus and hone in on what matters most. I think its safe to say that you should do what you want, but always use your brain before your heart.

I’m pretty sure you’re going to be just fine. I know I am.

Advertisements

That heaven is ovverated

I need to blog. I need to BLOG. Like, sorry guys (and others) I have no time anymore. I just wake up, teach, eat, then sleep. I’m always so tired. Is teaching always the most tiring? Hoping it gets less tiring, but I’m also signing myself up for more stress so bring it on. At the same time, I am realizing that doing this is genuinely so fun and I know in some form I’m going to keep doing this for the rest of my life. I just am.

I am fairly content at this moment. I am not however fully and absolutely content, but I am trying to shove past mistakes into the nearest trash receptacle. The mistakes I’m referring to are those of the romantic variety. When you have something or rather someone so close to you and you are so ready to take that leap into the unknown but then it all goes wrong and comes crashing down on your face, well you kind of just stop. You say “this is great, now I’ll have time to do the things I want” or “now I have time to focus on things..” We forget that heartbreak freezes us from doing anything of value. At least for a time. I was fine after a few days, but I’m not really fine. Even as I type this, I’m wondering why it had to end and why and why and why and why and why. But, I can’t go there. I cannot. Or I will definitely lose it. If I haven’t already, which I probably did though I can’t say I know what “it” is. So, this is a post, but it just a post to remind myself that I might not find the love I want and that is ok because if I want real love it is already within myself. It is with the support system I already have. I don’t need validation or love from outside sources to remind myself of what I already know: I am worth it and always will be. (I do hope he regrets letting this good piece of human go though).

I seem to like using song lyrics as blog titles. Thanks Train for the Drops of Jupiter, means a lot even 17 years later.

Keep the love, feel the love y’all.

 

cover image credit: By Charbel Zakhour [CC BY-SA 4.0 :(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D, from Wikimedia Commons

Bad at love

I’m starting to think that wanting to do something good for yourself is a wasted idea. I’m working hard to keep my family sane but I’m drawing myself closer to darkness. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m drowning at everything I try my hand at. I can’t stay at jobs for long because I’m too restless. I’m sure I could work hard enough if I tried, but I never want to. I never feel like its worth it anymore.

Maybe all that is because I am failing when it comes to matters of the heart. I might be wrong, but that’s probably not a bad thing since it lets me have freedom in my own life. I don’t need a partner, I don’t need someone to have mutual feelings and I do not need to have that happy ending that so many people will not admit that their trajectory in life will somehow end up towards. It would, however, be nice to have the love that I hope I deserve. No, not the love of family. That is different and always there, even when you don’t feel it. I’m talking about the intimate, real and pure love between two people that are in love. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’m hoping against hope that I will get there soon.

I’m not one to pick apart at strings, but that’s what my life feels like lately. For most of my twenties, I was lost. I am still lost. I have no current job that gives me great joy. I haven’t found the work life or even the career that I believe is the right fit for me and I don’t believe I ever will. I’m too restless to settle in one thing and that’s probably my problem. But, I have some faith that I’ll find something. Something that will not only bring me joy but someone as well. It’s all I can hope for in this hopeless life anyway.

This feels a little sappy, but that’s how I am these days. What can I say, life is short and if you don’t yearn for the boring as well as the amazing then are you really even trying? Let me dream even if it doesn’t happen in the way I imagined. Dreams are funny that way.

giphy1
yes, bad a love indeed but its fine life is still good 🙂 

featured image

Lack of comedic timing

Remember that time when I said I was gonna do stuff. Yeah, that was a good time. It’s good that I’m doing so much for myself, but I always feel like I could be doing so much more.

I’m going to scratch all that because giving myself flack for trying is not going to help. So instead let me ponder on the power of laughter. It does a lot. Hopefully, you are doing something this very instant to try to lift your mood. This might be one way of getting there, or maybe not.

***

It’s possible that circumstances have made you weak. Made you sidestep in between your boundaries. I’m not claiming to know anything about you, because I don’t. If you’re a human the truth is that you suffer. It’s one of those traits that no one likes to admit to much because it sounds like pain and it probably is in some way. Not a great and terrible pain, not necessarily no, but a pain that recedes back and then comes back in spurts whenever there is anguish or misgivings in ones’ heart.

Maybe it’s the moment of solitude that brings one back to their senses. Reminds them they are not alone and that life has to go on regardless of whatever their feelings say.

Whatever your feelings say. Whatever my feelings say.

Live in the present, not the past. It does nothing for your emotional health to dwell forever. If you can, relish in the good times and wonder just how you got so lucky. How you happened to exist on the planet that you’re on.

For just a small fragment of time, you could start to imagine a world in which you feel pure happiness. Not unreal or shrouded in doubt but the kind that makes you wonder why you struggle with pain at all. That’s right. You. 

giphy
gif source

writing is for lovers

So how are the goals this week going? Miserably or mediocre? None of the two, then you’re doing better than me. Well, sometimes we pick ourselves back up by the end of the week so eventually, it all works out somehow.

giphy5
gif source

I want to keep on the writing theme. Let me tell you the things I want to write about (maybe on this blog, maybe soon!)

Politics (yeah, I want to do more of this).

Humans (are complicated, but think complexly).

Books are not being able to read all the time.

The power of family.

Go outside.

Create something different today.

Call a friend, phone a friend. It’s your only lifeline here.

Spendthrift millennials.

Abruptly stopping to read a sign.

Sit down, no stand-up, no sit-down, no stand-up.

Stop fighting, just stop.

Words and how they move a person.

What is poetry?

Strive to learn every day.

Learn from mistakes.

Leap with your mind, not just your heart.

You got this, I know you do.

You gave up? That’s weird because I heard that you were awesome.

The science of DFTBA.

Mood therapy.

Smile more- frown way, way less.

Exaggerate happiness, haters gon hate anyway.

Fall in love.

Don’t fall for love.

Love is a plot concocted by the entertainment industry.

Eat food and feel good.

Rest and do it all again.

giphy6
gif source 

How you feeling? I started something, so maybe I should finish it? Nah, that’s means I would have to pretend to be writing something of like substance. Which I most certainly am not. Or am I? I have no idea. If you figure it out, let me know.

So this is what happens when you open WordPress randomly with no specific goal in mind? (most days honestly). It’s aight, because I’m feeling pretty happy and lost in my thoughts in this current moment. Maybe it’s a state I’ll get out of. Maybe I’ll just stay here forever. It’s hard to say, but whatever because my mind is open to possibilities of the writing variety.

giphy7
gif source by Valeris

Write on my fabulous loves. ❤

giphy8
gif source

I take forever to think

I’m one of those slow to make decision types. I want to say that I am working on it, but that means that I need more time to “think about it.”

I just need time to ruminate. Especially when it comes to big decisions, the life or death kind. In a real situation where there is no time I obviously have to make a split-second decision but the fear is that I will wait too long to decide even then. I’m probably spending too much time thinking about this, but it makes me wonder why I invest my time into new ideas.

They say that comfort soaks you like an anchor and that might be true, but indecision can be the brunt of all your rejections (or fear of all of them). It can be the defining force, really so no big deal. So, this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to be confident. Take more chances and aim for fewer regrets. I know I can’t win all my battles, but I can concede that I will try better for the next fight.

Basically, being aware of what you want and how to nab it is the best feeling. I am almost there but not quite. I like to feel assured that all decisions I make will result in good outcomes, but then there are those moments of hesitations where I wonder if the choices I make are really thought out. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but sometimes the choices we make can define us (and sometimes they don’t). Argh. As you can see, this could take awhile (what “this” is is beyond me also).

I got on and typed up a blog post today so there’s one decision that I actually made and did not hesitate on for too long. The mind knows better than the heart in these matters, I suppose.

featured image gif source

Failing to learn from mistakes

I’m not over being great. I still have plenty of greatness left in me. I’m sure that I do, I just haven’t recognized it that well yet.

****

I do a lot of trying and failing. It’s like doing laundry, like a chore that no one wants to do but must be done regardless. The things that we detest doing must be done though, whether we like it or not. I could make a cool list of ideas on how to be productive or do this or that, but it’s not a list I myself would even be following so what would be the point? None, no point. So instead, I’ll just say that I have made some mistakes and I’m not learning from all of them.

 

giphy6
gif source

 

They (they being society and those that think they know what is best for us) tell us to learn from our mistakes, but what happens when we just don’t. We read on and on that making mistakes and failing is a part of life and growing up, but if that is true then why are we all still failing? Because try as we might, we still don’t have that secret formula to make all our troubles go away. Youth potions might be an idea, but I’ll only be on board if they can take me back to my childhood. A time of true and real innocence. For the most part, I didn’t have any problems. Not the same kind of problems anyway. Now my problems are of the more convoluted and involved variety that stems from not knowing or not having a real plan. This is our own plan, not one made by anyone else and that’s when we realize we might have screwed up somewhere.

Because we need guidance. We need the help to remind us that we’re not alone. We need that support network. We don’t all have this and it bites us sometimes, but that’s ok. Just go online and there’s a community for everything and anything that you love or love to hate, so there is no reason to feel alone. No reason to feel excluded in any way. If there is no group then hey! I’ll be in your group. 🙂 Make your own light, be your own source of happiness when you let yourself feel good about yourself.

 

giphy5
gif source

 

So, maybe you learned something from this. Maybe you learned nothing. Maybe right now you’re wondering what the heck you got yourself into and that’s ok too. As long as you think you might have it figured out soon(ish) it should hopefully all work out in your favor. I wish you well.

 

giphy7
gif source

Don’t forget to be awesome (I know I forget).

featured gif source via Giphy