I’ve been getting bad at getting to the things I keep telling myself I “mean to do.” It’s December and I know I won’t get to them. Admitting this is the first step probably key to not losing your mind.
I’m fairly certain I am wasting a lot of time when I am not writing. However, this month is looking to be a good one. I am giving myself a social media free month and so far it is going great and I am happy (not that I wasn’t before, but my productivity levels seem increased). I do still acknowledge that I enjoy sleeping but on the days that I have to work early are those that I feel more content later about.
As most people reflect on a year (well-spent or otherwise), I wonder how I fell back into the “home” trap. The saying goes that “comfort sinks you like an anchor” and that is certainly true when referencing one’s safe home, the place where one is at ease and comfortable the most. I can’t say I’ll ever really step out of this trap, but I’d like to find a home someplace else. Someplace different to challenge me once more.
Anyway, for lack of explanation I am grateful for this life. I am hopeful, but also level-headed and realistic. Optimism is great, but so is having some disposable income.
That might have sounded selfish, but then the world is selfish and frankly, I am part of the problem and not always the solution.
It’s likely that this year you have faced some failures. Some mishaps. Found yourself on a path that you’re not entirely proud of, but you are hoping for the best at this point. You are pretty certain that you are doing ok, but not sure what steps to take next to be great. The struggle comes from the realization that you are and probably always will be a failure in some way.
In the same vein though, you are the exact opposite of that. You are thriving and growing each and every day. Yay you! Alright, so let’s say it’s five years from now, you have achieved what you wanted and satisfaction is oh so sweet. You’re feeling not just happy, but pure contentment in your life and choices. Something is nagging at you though and it is the need to create. As humans we will always want to create something, it doesn’t matter your personality type (introverted or extroverted). However, creativity can lead to different happiness levels. Maybe your feelings on a certain subject or idea will change. Maybe you will hate everything about what your life has become up to that point. Maybe you wonder if you are not actually putting your time to good use. After all, creativity is everywhere and not everyone has to be a part of that. You can buy creativity but would it mean anything to you, would it have any value?
Let me say this then. You’re a teacher. You’re a writer. You’re a U/X designer. You’re an IT professional. You’re a babysitter. You’re a grocery-store clerk. You’re a bookseller. You’re a librarian. You’re a barista. You are creative, but you a part of a generation that doesn’t value you. You’re part of a society that values things that are more practical because they make more sense for future generations. Things like STEM technology, e-commerce and trade, finance and banking, law, and medicine are jobs the world needs more than a teacher or writer. The things that you want to do may not lead you down an easy road to success. You definitely won’t get to where to want to be that quickly. You need the drive and patience to not give up.
Success will never be easy if you’re a teacher. You won’t be making much. You will be overworked. You might have to work two other jobs, at least. You will have to take care of other personal projects as they come. You have to fight your own battles out there you creative soul.
Success may make or break you. I hope that it will make you stronger, but it could very well be very hard to achieve and that alone could break you until you are a shattered mess. Hold strong and remember that success is not a shot in the dark but a glowing bright light in a room full of shadows.
You got this. I got this. We all got this.
(cover/featured image via Pexels photo gallery through WordPress).
I don’t think its likely that you have any bad qualities. It might be that you have some of the things that people warn you about to avoid while also having “tendencies.”
Those tendencies are what lead us to different ways of thinking, or imagining what we could be if we didn’t try so hard to fail. It’s possible that you have ignored all advice and failed anyway. There is a bright light in there somehow that reminds you that you are doing the best you can in the current circumstances. It’s all fine and good until the luck starts to change for you and second-guessing everything becomes your nature.
This isn’t meant to be dreary or look down on anyone. It’s just a reminder that you are still working hard every day to do and be well because you are scared of a terrible outcome. Don’t worry, most of us are. It will come with time that you realize that the only thing holding you back is yourself. You might tend to favor the more comfortable over the more arduous and the more mundane over the spontaneous. You tell yourself that “no, not me. I’m different” but the truth is that it’s hard to change what is so every day. It’s hard to become a different version of yourself.
You really shouldn’t have to change yourself, unless you feel it would lead you somewhere amazing. Even then, never change a thing about your character, your personality, and yes even your personal tendencies. Those small things make you who you are and continue to push you every day (your ticks will push you every day to do whatever it is you need to do/or not do).
I’m pretty sure that life is a waste of energy if you are not spending your time wisely. I’m pretty sure that I’m just fooling myself into wasting my time each day doing mundane things. I’m pretty fairly sure that I don’t know what to write about right now.
Speaking of people, have you heard that your brain is always in motion? It’s true. I think that studies show this and I could probably link to a few if I knew what I was even on about (but since I don’t, like usual I’ll just continue to ramble). What are you thinking about right now? I am thinking that I would like to understand why our brain does the things it does. Why do we do that instead of doing that? Or why do we go to the park instead of the movies? Why go for a walk instead of a bike ride? Why watch Netflix when we can watch YouTube? We don’t consciously make these decisions really (well sometimes we do, because maybe we really have to see the next episode) but it mostly comes from natural routine. It’s so boring and mundane that if something were to go wrong here (in this moment) our brains already know what to do and would just go with the regular, the everyday. Sorry, you have to go for a walk because that’s what your brain wants. It’s what you want too, but you can’t say it aloud.
So I think that you’re probably wondering what to do next. What to read next, what to try next or what goal to set next. Your brain already knows that you may or may not do these things. We all must work on ourselves each and every day. The signals our brain gives us lets us know that we need to focus and hone in on what matters most. I think its safe to say that you should do what you want, but always use your brain before your heart.
I’m pretty sure you’re going to be just fine. I know I am.
I need to blog. I need to BLOG. Like, sorry guys (and others) I have no time anymore. I just wake up, teach, eat, then sleep. I’m always so tired. Is teaching always the most tiring? Hoping it gets less tiring, but I’m also signing myself up for more stress so bring it on. At the same time, I am realizing that doing this is genuinely so fun and I know in some form I’m going to keep doing this for the rest of my life. I just am.
I am fairly content at this moment. I am not however fully and absolutely content, but I am trying to shove past mistakes into the nearest trash receptacle. The mistakes I’m referring to are those of the romantic variety. When you have something or rather someone so close to you and you are so ready to take that leap into the unknown but then it all goes wrong and comes crashing down on your face, well you kind of just stop. You say “this is great, now I’ll have time to do the things I want” or “now I have time to focus on things..” We forget that heartbreak freezes us from doing anything of value. At least for a time. I was fine after a few days, but I’m not really fine. Even as I type this, I’m wondering why it had to end and why and why and why and why and why. But, I can’t go there. I cannot. Or I will definitely lose it. If I haven’t already, which I probably did though I can’t say I know what “it” is. So, this is a post, but it just a post to remind myself that I might not find the love I want and that is ok because if I want real love it is already within myself. It is with the support system I already have. I don’t need validation or love from outside sources to remind myself of what I already know: I am worth it and always will be. (I do hope he regrets letting this good piece of human go though).
I seem to like using song lyrics as blog titles. Thanks Train for the Drops of Jupiter, means a lot even 17 years later.
I’m starting to think that wanting to do something good for yourself is a wasted idea. I’m working hard to keep my family sane but I’m drawing myself closer to darkness. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m drowning at everything I try my hand at. I can’t stay at jobs for long because I’m too restless. I’m sure I could work hard enough if I tried, but I never want to. I never feel like its worth it anymore.
Maybe all that is because I am failing when it comes to matters of the heart. I might be wrong, but that’s probably not a bad thing since it lets me have freedom in my own life. I don’t need a partner, I don’t need someone to have mutual feelings and I do not need to have that happy ending that so many people will not admit that their trajectory in life will somehow end up towards. It would, however, be nice to have the love that I hope I deserve. No, not the love of family. That is different and always there, even when you don’t feel it. I’m talking about the intimate, real and pure love between two people that are in love. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’m hoping against hope that I will get there soon.
I’m not one to pick apart at strings, but that’s what my life feels like lately. For most of my twenties, I was lost. I am still lost. I have no current job that gives me great joy. I haven’t found the work life or even the career that I believe is the right fit for me and I don’t believe I ever will. I’m too restless to settle in one thing and that’s probably my problem. But, I have some faith that I’ll find something. Something that will not only bring me joy but someone as well. It’s all I can hope for in this hopeless life anyway.
This feels a little sappy, but that’s how I am these days. What can I say, life is short and if you don’t yearn for the boring as well as the amazing then are you really even trying? Let me dream even if it doesn’t happen in the way I imagined. Dreams are funny that way.
Remember that time when I said I was gonna do stuff. Yeah, that was a good time. It’s good that I’m doing so much for myself, but I always feel like I could be doing so much more.
I’m going to scratch all that because giving myself flack for trying is not going to help. So instead let me ponder on the power of laughter. It does a lot. Hopefully, you are doing something this very instant to try to lift your mood. This might be one way of getting there, or maybe not.
It’s possible that circumstances have made you weak. Made you sidestep in between your boundaries. I’m not claiming to know anything about you, because I don’t. If you’re a human the truth is that you suffer. It’s one of those traits that no one likes to admit to much because it sounds like pain and it probably is in some way. Not a great and terrible pain, not necessarily no, but a pain that recedes back and then comes back in spurts whenever there is anguish or misgivings in ones’ heart.
Maybe it’s the moment of solitude that brings one back to their senses. Reminds them they are not alone and that life has to go on regardless of whatever their feelings say.
Whatever your feelings say. Whatever my feelings say.
Live in the present, not the past. It does nothing for your emotional health to dwell forever. If you can, relish in the good times and wonder just how you got so lucky. How you happened to exist on the planet that you’re on.
For just a small fragment of time, you could start to imagine a world in which you feel pure happiness. Not unreal or shrouded in doubt but the kind that makes you wonder why you struggle with pain at all. That’s right. You.