It’s not like it particularly matters, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not sure what to do next. I’m not content where I am, I’m not quite happy with how things have turned out for me. Maybe I have no one to blame but myself or quite possibly, my situation has everything to do with how I feel currently. Moods can also play a factor in how far you might be willing to go.
2018 was a year of great heartbreaks for me. Mostly one after the other. It led me to a place of deep despair in which I again wondered about my value and why I even keep trying. There might be others that will say things like well “you just have to keep trying” or “don’t give up.” These are easy expressions that roll off the tongue. I’ve even told this to students, almost as a means of encouragement. This is what anyone wants–to be appreciated and for their thoughts to be valid. I’ve felt a disconnect with my family and parents lately like I am in a place that I don’t belong. A place that I don’t know how to get out of. It could be that attitudes are different and shifting constantly, but it could also be that we are not alike either.
So maybe it’s the cold making me feel like the world is out to get me. Or maybe its the realization that I can’t really have a normal life like most people have, I must struggle like the best of them.
Could be a good clean slate. I hope I can make something useful of myself soon.
It would seem that the world is on the brink of something again. Or maybe it always was and I just decided not to pay attention. Whichever way you look at it, from any angle, there is something turning. A quarter or two might have fallen into the age-old pot of desires and dreams that you think you have.
You don’t need to resolve to do anything if you can’t resolve why you got out of bed today. The simple things are the easy things that take time to do in everyday life. The things taken for granted which you don’t always think about, but matter so much.
So, ok maybe you don’t make goals. You wonder, though how to better yourself. How to be a better “version” of yourself, as people like to say. How, then to go about adjusting the sails on your thought boat?
Think of it this way: New hopes are not structured like goals might be, making them a bit hazier. So you have new hopes. You have low hopes and you have high hopes, but none of those hope-y things are really goals (at least, not in your mind).
So it’s likely that you’ll keep hoping and you’ll keep wondering your next step. It’s not something you or I will admit but we have a failure of being brave.
As I watched the Disney film Brave today, I was reminded that it takes courage to say what you want to do and mean it. It takes determination to want to do and be someone different. It might mean stepping outside of your comfort bubble, but when you do you will be more steadfast in your maybe goals for the future. Aren’t Disney movies great? I’m feeling exuberant about nothing and everything.
So, be hopeful. Be watchful. The world is waiting.
I recently dreamt that I was being told that “my profession is a failure.” The person was not wrong, but the idea remains in my mind of how little I am doing each day. Of course, I always believe I could be doing more and setting goals that I will achieve. I know I am only letting down myself when I neglect a goal for the day.
In other times, it feels as though I am not doing enough to be happy. That should make sense when reading it the first time, if not rethink how you view happiness. It should come easily, it shouldn’t be forced and it should be about you. My great fear is that I am becoming a person of habit, but then its also not a fear at all because as most people get older this is a fact of life. I embrace this I suppose. I want to know how to stop feeling terrible about not reaching goals. It’s not really something that is easily achieved (irony).
In the case of the world, it’s terrible and none of what I’m saying matters. In your own life, you’re probably having a good week or a bad week (or maybe somewhere in the middle). You’re wondering how you got to this blog post that is going on about being happy and reaching goals and blah blah blah.
Maybe I’m just writing the basics of a suitable post. Maybe I’m just doing the basics when it comes to a generally happy life situation. I’m not quite there yet. If I can make it, so can you.
Sometimes I wish I grew up in the city. I could disperse into the crowd, unattached to outsiders. I might not know my neighbor, but that is the case in most places anyway. The feeling of walking out and not knowing what today will bring or who I might meet could be different but also the same. The main difference being it could take longer to get to places like the grocery store or anywhere really.
We live where we are though. We think about leaving but we don’t or can’t always leave the places that remain dear to us for so long. The characters of a place become part of our character. In another life, I would be living on the trains in New York going about my day as usual and wondering how people in small towns even manage. I would not be able to understand it because I had not lived it, but I would still think it to be a weird situation.
We live where we are. In the good times and in the bad. We mostly rely on those that love us to guide us to the places that give us great joy. More than that, we rely on the familiar because it just works. Comfort is a bubble we don’t want to escape, but reality is more severe and we will avoid that at all costs. So we’ll just sit back and do nothing, staying in the known and familiar because in most cases it is safe.
Everyone wants to be safe, but no one wants to be challenged.
It doesn’t mean they have never been loved. It does not mean they think you are less than them. It might mean any number of things, you remind yourself as you try to not let the words get to you. Words are only words until they hurt. Sticks and stones can break you, but words will always hurt you inside more. However, if you keep faking it and continue to tell yourself that “words won’t hurt me” then you start to believe this until eventually, you are braver than you think. You can do anything because you are not afraid. You have pain, yes. But that pain is only secondary to the gratitude you will feel at having realized that the only person making it worse is you.
People can be selfish
Maybe you argue that you are also selfish. You are the bearer of your own problems and take full responsibility for all your actions. Possibly, however, all this creates a cycle of hating oneself. It doesn’t stop so easily once you have started either. You want what works for you, what is convenient for you and what allows you to do as little effort as possible. You know you can do more, you know you are capable but you rely on instinct as a reminder of what to do next. There’s nothing wrong with this, but when more than one person is involved it’s a tricky line between selfishness and laziness.
People can judge
Mostly because they don’t know you and also because making judgments about people we do not know is what society loves the most. A recent question I was asked revolved around me and danced around the idea of me being qualified as well as dependable. It started innocently enough, with a meaning to give new life to a certain place with the end result landing in uncertainty and slashed hopes. The question I was asked after going through my educational background and experience was: “are your parents here?” That’s all. A quick check to ask if I am legal in a way that does not seem offensive. It was anyway. I am legal. I am dependable. I am honest. I can give you what you are looking for, if only it was white.
People are not you
I know that you’re pretty awesome. I’m awesome too, by the way. I’m rooting for myself every day to reach the goals I set for myself. I hope that you are able to reach your own dreams as well. You probably already know this, but people are terrible and will try to bring you down. You can’t let them try to tear your mind open. You have to stand firm and allow yourself the knowledge that you are wiser than “them.” Why? Because you are not going to let the frustrations of disappointment get to you. No, you must not because when you do that you have let them won and you definitely do not want that. You are great and they are envious. Not all people can make their own personal goals, they must copy other goals.
That feeling of feeling lost or overwhelmed is evident when you decide to not set goals. Maybe you say you have “no goals”, but ultimately everyone has an endgame. There is a destination that we’re all hoping to get to one day, hopefully not by wasted dream but instead by manifested reality.
In all my wildest dreams, I always imagined myself to be doing the things that matter. The things that will make me a “somebody,” as if I am not already. It is as if I have some kind of aim to be famous, but no exact direction to get there. My kind of fame is the sort where I wonder what I am doing wasting my time with no plan, but feel happy regardless. No, not happy in spite of or because of. Simply happy, because I do have what I need.
Anyway, as I’m reflecting on how to get myself out there I know I don’t need to at the same time. I can be content being a nobody to most people, because to the ones that count I am a somebody. Also, according to physics, we are all just bits of stars.
I was recently reminded that not everything is easy. Just because you might have had one great, but ultimately unfulfilling experience that looks great on a resume doesn’t mean that you will have success with your next endeavors. In all probability, you will fail and fail terribly. It might take some time to come to the realization that what others around you already know: Success must be earned and takes time.
Being someone that for some reason wants to teach, it’s not easy to step into the field. In a time when everyone is cynical and few actually appreciate teachers, being able to do the job right is a strength that many lack. This includes me. I hope that over time, I will be able to look back on the students I have worked with and feel proud to have been in their life. I already have some students who I know I am influencing directly in a positive way. I know that every student is different and not everyone learns the same either. I know that managing a classroom is the hardest part of teaching and I haven’t really mastered it yet. I know where my strengths lie and know ways to make my weaknesses better, however, I do admit to having limits as well. As do most people. I’m certainly no expert in the education field, but working and helping with others is what I know I will continue to do in some form all my life.
Maybe I’m not passionate enough. Maybe I’m not strong enough. These are all things we might tell ourselves in order to remind us that it’s ok to fail, at least this once. Maybe the rejections hurt in the moment, but they don’t really define who we are. I know that I can’t let any bad decisions or rejections turn me upside down. I will instead focus on what I can do and why I want to do the things I do.
The truth is, it might take 30 job rejections to realize you don’t know if you want what you’re seeking. However, at 10 more rejections, you know that you can do what you set your mind to and it doesn’t matter what others might think of you. You can reach your highest potential and achieve great success within yourself.