To Activate or Cultivate You

Three words to live by:

  1. Redeem
  2. Try
  3. Grow

That was at the top of my head, however I am quite sure there are millions of words to follow those five words. I’m not sure what I’m getting at here, but I know that I’m trying to appease some emotion. Maybe its something you feel or act upon, but most likely its something you don’t know how to cultivate or fully activate.

There are children blissfully unaware of how severe the world has become. That’s not leading into anything, that’s just a sentence that is non-fictional in nature. I write these things to challenge myself to write, but also to push myself to write because it might be the only way that I actually do so. I also want to make myself feel encouraged. For me, writing does a good job of that but it’s unexplainable why.

Sometimes things designed to push you can be a chore. Can be one of the things that you find yourself hating to do each time you do it. Then it’s not encouraging any longer, but rather a waste of energy. Do what makes you happy in the moment. If that means, watching that Netflix show you should definitely not be watching right now then do it.

My life has been constantly changing since I did a wild thing three years ago. I can’t stay anywhere for too long, but at the same time my mind just wants to settle. I don’t know what I mean by settle, but hopefully it means finding peace with my mind and accepting that the growth and change within myself will never stop evolving.

So yeah, keep your growth mindset happy by seeking out what drives you to a contented place. Wherever that may be. I hope that you are able to find peace. I hope so, too.

Working on the Words

“Happiness is a journey not a destination.” –so goes my favourite quote.

Other memorable quotes:

“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”

“Do unto others as you would do to yourself.”

(Disclaimer: none of the above are my own words yet are well known quotes).

In times of difficulty, it’s common to turn to words that give us solace or faith to continue. For me, its the knowledge that I am pushing towards something bigger than myself which has the possibility to be something more.

Ok, besides me writing some words that I don’t attribute on some blog I am working harder on my faith and beliefs. I think now more than ever is an excellent time to think about what we believe in–or what we don’t. I don’t get everything I want done in a day, but I rest assured that it will all turn out ok regardless. Whatever it is, I am unclear on still, yet I am hopeful that it will be something that gives me the hope to find more amazing quotes.

So I’ll keep this short and sweet and a reminder that the words in your mind, well they matter. Don’t stamp them out, especially if they’re trying to tell you something. Hope you figure it out soon.

Constant Learning

I love learning. I will willingly take more courses and work if it means it will allow me to learn things I do not know a lot about or add to my current knowledge. I was raised to be curious, careful, and studious. I also have been taught to be a constant learner. A person that pushes themselves to want to do more, to want to keep striving and/or thriving. 

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All that being said, what does all this learning do but give me the knowledge I need? What about long-term benefits in work and life? I hope that all I learn can do that, practically that is exactly why I am conducting research, taking classes, and furthering my learning every day. It’s all online learning and things that I want to be a part of. It’s building that network which in the before, some might have argued to not have been possible. Creating a network that could grow with you seemed like something you could do better in person, meeting people, and actually making those real-life connections. The key now is how to frame learning to reach goals that one wants to reach, how it is attainable and needed.

Maybe you’re doing none of that and maybe you’re doing all of that. Quite possibly, you are rethinking your career and wondering if it will be sustainable in the next year. Even more possibly you are now used to the idea of being alone but it is not something you can contend with doing for your whole life. Maybe you’re a newfound introvert or maybe you have always been one, however you are struggling to find the meaning of what you are doing. You are seeking out the work you are doing online in new ways. It’s new work, it’s not the same and it is fueled by collaboration in a way that you thought you understood before but you really didn’t. Not, until it became a part of your daily routine.

So, here’s to hope. Maybe it’s overrated, but plenty of people still need it and would like to see their greatest hopes come to fruition in some form. There are many still that have let those hopes go, whatever they may be. Whatever it is you do, keep working and keep seeking out the things that give you meaning.

The memories driving your mind’s car

It’s human nature to want to relive the past, to think about the why behind things that are occurring now. It would seem that thinking back on what was is loads easier than thinking about the present.

When I think back on my life, I am grateful for the experiences I have had that have made me who I am today. I might have some regrets but they’re not things meant to be dwelled on. There are things I hold deep in my heart and mind that that I have not told anyone else (and no, this isn’t the place where I’m going to share all my deep thoughts).

I think memory is a powerful driving force. We don’t realize its usefulness, talent, or life we breathe into it daily when suddenly we wake up and feel that we are losing some of the hard ones. Or maybe not all though since humans retain the strong emotions, (I’m not going to cite anything here, but I’m saying this based on my own human self) and lose the knowledge of doing basic tasks and functions. The things that cause diseases of the mind. Quite possibly, the very worst in diseases is that which destroys your mind and spirit.

So I remember what I am. Who I am rather because I am constantly in need of new experiences. I can never stay in places for long. The job I have now may be terrible but is the longest one I have ever stayed at. Even in those dark moments, I’m going to close my eyes and tell myself that I am powerful. That my mind alone can get me through the darkest of days. And even if it can’t, then I think back on how I have grown and what I have learned about life thus far. In so many ways I have grown immensely and in so many ways I have so much to learn as well.

Never forget where you came from and what matters to you the most.

The something in the something else that is nothing

It’s certainly obvious that you are reading this right now. It is also most certainly likely that you are wondering what and how to proceed with the work in front of you without getting gloriously distracted. Alas, it has occurred anyway. Through no fault of your own, you are distracted by thoughts. By menacing ideas that merge in your brain and eventually dissolve into mush with no idea at all.

I would say you should organize, but would you actually do that? I could write a whole post about “tips and tricks” to do this, that I probably did not even try myself but some other blogger said they were worth trying so why not. I’m trying to relate to your sense of dysphoria. It’s not quite heightened, but it is reaching a new low these days. You’re starting to get tired of that “new normal.” The normal for you isn’t the normal that is supposed to be normal anyway. You tell yourself you thrive on the extraordinary, the different and the new. Except, that you know you very well do none of the above. While you would like to say you ascribe your feelings of discontent to a class of ideas, you don’t even know what that means. However, rest in solace knowing that whatever those feelings are don’t matter in the long run anyway. Yes, they will always spring up and pop up from time to time. But, mattter? Oh, that is a loaded question that you will have to answer yourself.

So have you found what you were looking for yet? The inner calm, the meditative state? If not, hop on over to your favourite chill playlist and drone out. That’s the best offer and it’s not even a great one. Take it though, because you don’t know your next moves at this time. At this time, you need to know that you will make it.

Cold night, yearning heart

It was one of those cold nights that you needed four blankets for. Sometime in the night, she knew those blankets would get thrown off but the comfort of them was reassuring like a tangible piece of love. It was one of those months where she was waiting for an answer that she felt might never come.

Working late was never on her list of things to be doing. Working until she wondered why she worked at all frustrated her to no end. However, she thought of the money she could be using then she wept, realizing that it was greedy to think of money at a time like this. What kind of time it is indeed to knowingly want to do things to make herself go insane. No, not insane. But, absolutely dreadful nonetheless. Considering her options, she thought she might be on the right track. She felt she might be heading towards some heated destruction of herself soon. Most people on her side agreed to some extent, while others pretended to talk about something else and change the subject because talking about one’s self can seem petty or rude, right?

Nonetheless it was imagined that she would become an all inclusive member of the stay-at-home club. She knew that in the back of her mind, she would want nothing more. She craved change and routine, she attempted a strike on her own nerves but it only led to fatigue and drowsiness. Throughout it all, she reminded herself of what she felt, which was a desire to feel rather than to want. A need grew inside of her to feel new experiences, foods and cultures. A need to explore. So she did, she left and just like that the world shut her out. Maybe to bad for them or too bad for her, but she was never seen from again.

Still here

It’s a weird thing when you’re suddenly free. It’s as if you feel like you have time to do things that are important and more meaningful. However, you have to know how you will effectively spend time as well.


I’m waiting for something it would seem. I’m trying to figure out how to get from point A to point F. Thinking it would be great to have a back-up plan right about now. Except there is no plan B, not right now. Now, there is just “the plan.” It might be a plan of action but it has to stay the current plan until further notice.

It’s one of those things that you think about in the back of your head constantly but don’t always know why. You know you need to think about the why before the when, but currently the plan is only allowing your brain to think about the present and the “maybe” future.

Not to be bleak so I’ll move along. Basically, I think most people can achieve their own level of greatness. However, everyone wants to be at a higher level than they might be able to achieve. BUT THIS IS OK!

We tell ourselves that we need to do the things that make us influencers or career changers, but we don’t think about ourselves. The mind is waiting for a creative spark, that all people have but some use it in less appealing ways while others prefer the murderous or drawn out type of creativity. You’ll know what I mean when you see it.

So beyond making the plan work each day, I’m trying to figure out how to act on new plans. However, it’s also ok to not have all the answers. I don’t claim to have all the answers when I write a blog post. I just want to write. Maybe someone is reading this and maybe not, but if so keep at whatever you’re doing. Maybe something is knawing at you to keep going, or to stop but it the knawing becomes a knife pain then you should find something else that gives you joy.

I for one, am still here. Wherever here is.

In the empty space

In times of despair, there are those that will get up and do something while there are many that wonder and wait for what will occur next. There’s some that fall in-between as well, those that yearn for a good middle ground.

I’m existing in the empty space between middle and end. My story is just getting started but sometimes it feels as though I am running out of time and need to race against time. There is no race, but it seems as though there is most days. Seems as though floating along is worse than knowing exactly where you are supposed to be at the right moment in time. The worst feeling is to be not useful or an even greater offense, so useful. In either direction, a person can feel a waste of energy.

The strain of trying to be something or be nothing at all feels like it should have meaning but it really doesn’t. It’s hopeless to assume that things will work out when it is evident they will not and you are made abundantly clear of these facts. So keep going is the only way forward. The only way out or down or around.

There might still be a space left in the in-between for those still waiting for clarity. For answers that will never come. For the sign that is lost somewhere at sea. For the person still trying to come out of yourself.

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Hopeful but also hopeless

It’s a common theme to come back to something you might have been longing after a long time. You worked to resist temptation, you distracted yourself so well but you still longed for the restless energy that came with the feeling you made yourself throw away.

For a good month or so, I have been drifting into the territory of “almost failing.” This would mean that I am poised and ready for failure but also accepting of it at the same time. Failing where I am now and how far I have come would be a setback while at the same time not being a failure at all, but a challenge to grow and become stronger.

I have some strength left, but it takes focus and drive to want to make it to the end at this point. However, if hope has taught me anything it’s that it’s not worth my time to give up. It is worth all of my time, however, to keep going and not give in to setbacks.

I am with a great deal of hope while at the same time losing any sense of real hope as more time goes on. I have a real urgency to want to keep praying and hoping for good things to come, but I don’t know what it will bring. What other uncertainties am I prepared to handle? Can I handle more uncertainty?

I’m not hopeless, but I am almost out of hope.

On growing up

I don’t often feel independent enough to deal with my own life. I’m still working at it, but I know that I don’t need to working so hard to do what might be easy for other people to do. Instead, I’m left feeling as though I have a privilege that is lost on other people. A kind of feeling that is unreachable, but not defined clearly either.

I’m restless, but calm. Eager, yet timid. I have made gains in terms of approaching fears, but little in the way of conquering those fears in a way that seems and feels effortless. I’m different, yes but so are you reading this. I’m weak to negative thoughts, but I amp up the positive thoughts with words and thoughtful mediations.

Yesterday, I was uncertain. Today, I am still uncertain but more in the direction of why am I uncertain. Should I be uncertain in the state I am in? Will these feelings last forever? I cannot say, but I know that I can try to implement a stronger approach to living well. A brighter outlook that takes a dark toll when I’m not looking will serve me no good anyway.

So the world grew up and turned ugly. The oceans are not oceans. The people are not people, but mere ghosts just wisping around. The people are not always you and I, but everyone else. No one and I mean no one wants to be like everyone else. The largest paradox of human history is that we have history, but we are history at the same time. No, that’s not a paradox on second thought it’s just a way of life.

Me, myself and I sounds conceited. What about you, yourself and you? What about her and him and all of them? No one waits on anyone else quite like they wait for themselves.

I’m still waiting and I’ll keep waiting until I find the answer to this wild and crazy life that I think will suit me best.

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