Posted in changes, life

Running

5 things I’m getting to:

  1. The many amazing books I want to read (mostly non-fiction at this point)
  2. The podcasts that are interesting and screaming for my attention
  3. Love interests that are on hold
  4. The yoga routines that are falling flat
  5. The daily meditations that are lacking

I’m working, I’m not slowing down and it’s starting to make me feel dread at when I will not be working. It’s highly likely that I will have some of those days when I feel like throwing in the towel will be the best option, the most formidable option. However, I am pushing myself to the point of near burnout. I am making myself lose my humanity. I do not thrive well under stress. I need the strength to remain calm under pressure, however my voice is getting the better of me these days. Keep calm and carry a big voice is what they say.

It take a lot for an introverted person like myself to raise my voice. To work to clear the air and get the attention of everyone. It makes me feel as though I am still underachieving in that I am unable to work towards harnessing this voice. I need a strong voice. A strong start and a strong foundation in order to help me be a leader in a time when I really do not want to be one. I am not where I need to be yet, but I am going somewhere. I might not be walking there, but I am going there fast and moving constantly.

Posted in life, new things, personal, self-actualization

on growing

There are times in life when we feel like we’re either floating along or flying along. I’m a mixture of both these days. I’m feeling a bit like I am waiting for my “big break.” And, no I don’t know what I mean by that either. Earnestly waiting, but not giving myself the chance to feel ashamed for not having all the answers I need at this point either.

Doing something different brings with it a new set of challenges. Some that create an undefined mental state. Others in which I feel an indulgence I had not felt before. I am waiting for something big to happen, but not sure what that will be or when. I am accepting of the fact that who I am today will gradually change over the course of this new endeavor. In one year, I will not be the person I am today. I will have learned how to manage, sustain and develop outcomes that will push me on the path to higher growth. I need to remind myself each and every day that the pain I feel of not completing the given task is not the end of the journey. It’s a step in the right direction and a difficult step that I need to keep taking in order to do what is uncomfortable, but also needed.

I can’t and will not have all the answers. I might not know how far I need to go, but I will work hard to get there. Whatever it takes to help me grow and grow and grow.

Posted in changes, inspiration, life, self-actualization

Shout outs to the unheard

In the days and weeks ahead, I hope to be bright with new goals. New aspirations and highlights of what I am proud of. I should be able to deal with all kind of people and know how to start all kinds of new conversations that previously might have been difficult to start. I will not have all the answers, but I will have some of the clues to get me there.

Thanks to all the people that led me to where I am today. I don’t know how to thank those people enough. They know who they are and they won’t be going away anytime soon and for that I am so grateful.

Sometimes we take for granted the people in our lives that make us who we are. That make us love ourselves more. The people that feed into growing our self-esteem. This post is a thank you note to the hearts and souls that make up the lifeblood of support that surrounds me.

Having grounded and great support is something that I don’t seek out, but finds me regardless. I am hopeful that I will be able to continue building bridges and crossing them. Making myself feel hopeful is a start to something powerful that I am continuing to work on building.

Thank you for reading this far. The fact that you have means that you might even support someone you don’t even know. Thanks, I support and hope you succeed as well.

Posted in hopes, inspiration, self-actualization

I really don’t know everything

My life has changed dramatically in the past three months alone. I went from not being able to speak in front of a large group of people to doing it on the regular (still can’t really do it well though). I went from growing my self-confidence to doubting it all at same time. I learned so much and worked to apply all that I learned in sessions, however I faltered when it came to real-world scenarios. I was drifting someplace. To where I did not know and when I would stop I also did not know.

*******

I’d like to say that I am on my way to figuring it out somewhat, but it is still taking me time to understand what I want from myself in order to be the most successful version of myself that I can be. Setting goals and prioritizing those goals is a work in progress. I haven’t lost sight of what I want the ultimate goal to be, however I fear that I am still an outsider in a world I do not understand. That the invisible wall surrounding this dream will break at any moment and all of it will come crashing down. However, another day comes and I know that I have not failed yet. I have instead found a way to embrace the failure and let myself not be dictated by what I should be doing vs. what I could be doing. It’s all relative anyway.

The title of this post reflects the feeling of being overwhelmed that overtakes me every day now. I am working on building myself up, but can’t seem to grow out of the fear that I will fail and fail miserably. But, it’s ok because I can’t expect to succeed quickly. I can’t expect to win at everything. I can expect that I will get better and try harder to learn more everyday. It’s the best I can hope for at this point.

Posted in failure, goals, life

Automatic

I’m thinking lately about what it means to be a good person.

Am I a good person?

Is anyone really a good person?

****

The feeling you get when you realize you might be doing something bad washes over you in waves. The tide of judgement comes rolling in whenever this happens and you look down on yourself once again.

You say you’re a person with morals, with boundaries but you don’t always know what those are. You know what it means to have these things, but not necessarily what it means to have these things taken away from you. The promise of shelter and love is almost a given, that you forget it exists.

You pull out the weapon. It’s shiny and new, it’s easy to buy these days just head to the local shop. It stares at you in the face, your reflection just barely glinting through. It would seem as though you might have made a mistake about what you want. About what you need. You don’t know right away that the sirens are for you, but you listen and you know. And you cry and you nod.

Get help, seek help. Remember that you’re not alone is the main advice I would give to anyone searching in their hearts for why they need to live such a routine life.

But wait. Then you remember. Not everyone has these same luxuries, has these same thoughts flooding through their head. Not everyone feels as though they will always have support in anything they choose to do.

The feeling of knowing what you need to know and do is not always apparent. It’s sometimes hidden away, waiting for you to do what is right.

So do you know what is right for you to do?

Posted in inspiration, personal, self-actualization

On doing the hard work

It would seem as thought like most people, I am looking for some type of reward. I probably won’t get it, at least not so easily. The good things don’t come quickly, they take time.

I feel that I am taking on more than I am able to handle both emotionally and physically. My whole mind is never on one thing. Sure, I might have that one goal of being happy and in a good place and job in my life yet I am not giving myself the credit I deserve. I’m downplaying my assets. I’m forgetting that I am worthy.

It’s ok if i cannot do it all. I already know that I will have at least tried to do most of the things I want to do. Planning out a day takes time and effort, which I sometimes feel as though I have none of. Persistence is key and something I’m still striving towards. Working everyday to remind myself that I’ll never get a new chance if I don’t try the one in front of me. Or, it’s ok to stop but remember to at least keep going. Always keep going.

Some people don’t work at all. Others far too much. Meanwhile, herds of people head to social media to put off meaningful work in exchange for the hope for meaningful interactions. Most of the time, it is a hopeless cause.

I know I work because I see it in my eyes. In the way I feel like I have no time for sleeping. I feel like not being productive is a waste of my own energy and time, though I find myself lulled by social media to be unproductive anyway. Time is meaningless unless used appropriately.

Don’t mean to make this post seem quite so sad sounding. If you’re reading this, then what are you doing to be well? Keep doing the good work. The hard work. No one else can do what you have to do yourself.

Posted in inspiration, personal, self-actualization, world

Foreign

The word foreign can sound foreign or strange in itself. The meaning is the same in all all languages. It essentially translates to that which is different or country or language that is different from one’s own. Depending on where you are from, the word can also have different connotations that go along with it.

國外 外国人 
विदेशी  
ngoại quốc
farang

Maybe I’m foreign in my own skin. I am in love with being in new places, but never feel like I am where I need to be. Mostly because I haven’t yet found the place where I feel needed. My value of myself has not diminished with this fact, however, it leads me to think about what constitutes being foreign.

We’re all people and even though I might live miles away from a teacher in Asia, I know they also have to deal with students in a classroom. They also must create a plan to organize themselves. Now, that’s just a fantasy because these are ideals that I hope are similar but I know are not. What is similar is not always apparent because language gets in the way of making people think they are not able to communicate with those that are different.

Everyone (any age) should be trying to set themselves apart from the rest of the crowd. Be unique, do something different. Try a new food, talk to people in your community from Asia or South America. Your culture can be modified to include different perspectives and ideas. It requires modifying your mindset somewhat as well.

It might be hard to admit but we all have biases. We all have things that we will not admit make us feel differently than other things do. Maybe the person reading this is already beginning to think of their inert biases at this moment.

Foreign is not being able to recognize that what’s different is there and not knowing whether that thing is bad or good. Foreign is not being able to understand why you want to try something different, go someplace new, or even create new experiences.

It’s a feeling, it’s a moment. It’s ongoing, because we’re all foreign people in a foreign land.

Cover/featured image via Giphy (original source taken down)