Apprehensive

I’m a little worried about going back to failure. I’m also relieved that this will be a fresh new start, or at least resemble it.

It starts that way. The fear tries to eat at you, day in and day out. You do things to get your mind out of the scenarios you have found yourself in but it is generally to no use. You can’t bring your mind to completely shut off. To tell yourself that its ok to not want to think about the larger problem at stake.

There might not even be any problem, but the fear still persists. That you have made a terrible mistake. That you will never stop berating yourself over the decision. Which has already been made and which you need to learn to deal with.

Despite the fear you know you cannot hold onto, you still have some uncertainty. In fact, if the grand plan fails go back to the back-up plans. At this point, plan B is not well-thought out. It’s another grand task to think of the second plan in case of disaster. However, mentally preparing for disaster and heartbreak might mean that when those things actually happen it makes it easier, but it is quite the opposite. In fact, it makes it harder.

However, I’m pressing on and telling the negative toxins to leave me alone because I cannot let my fear of failure hold me back any longer.

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