life · personal

Cyclical thoughts

I’m falling.

I wake up and I’m fine, but my head hurts now so I toss and turn until I realize that it’s pointless to find the source of the real dream. That was just in my head. That was just in my mind a second ago but is vanished now.

It’s the realization that I’m almost out of the twenties and haven’t done any of the cool things that twenty-somethings are supposed to do. Like those list articles say. No wait, I’ll make it happen though. Just you wait. I’ll travel, there’s still time. I’m not looking to be a mid-life divorcee traveling around the world to find herself. I haven’t found myself now. The quarter-century crisis, it seems continues as one ages. Bitterly destroying happy prospects of a rich life with negative energy.

Then I read, then I write. Then I stretch, then I think. Then I teach, then I write. Then I wonder what next. What next is the beginning to a series of questions called my life. I try to tell myself I should have taken that job or stayed there or done more, but I keep on and keep my head low knowing it doesn’t matter. I’m too restless, I want to leave someplace but at the same time comfort sinks me down like a deeply rooted anchor. What I have and love to have I can’t let go. This is the realization as I walk down the street, as I drive down the highway, and as I make up my mind about whether or not to move to another country.

I regroup, I resend the email. I delete the junk mail. I rethink about my choice thus far. I have had many opportunities, but did not seize them all. There are regrets of things I should have done and few for things I should not have said. There are moments of inner solitude filled with lowly tears and happy laughter, but its just me avoiding what moments to play out on repeat again and again.

This way, I think. This way, this road will lead me to a better life. It will give me answers. Everyone says that no one has the answers. But although Google has almost all the answers, it does not have the answers I need to hear. The ones that remind that I can do it if I just don’t think do much. Stop thinking so much. Stop thinking so much.

But then I know. I can’t do such a thing. I can never stop thinking at all. To do so would mean that I have stopped living.

So then I close my eyes and I’m falling…


(cover image by wonderferret on Flickr, Creative Commons license).


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