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Fears and Realizations

I’ve been watching a lot of tv shows and catching up on others. I’ve realized that I value a good scripted tv show more than a movie, though there are some good movies that recently came out as well (admittedly I only heard of some of them through the Golden Globes or Oscars, but alas). I listened to the podcast Serial and I honestly don’t really know what to say. It was really good, but right now my opinion is that there’s still a lot we don’t know about the story or about Adnan or Jay even that could begin to be covered in 12-part podcast. It’s ok though, it sparked a conversation and people are getting curious wondering if Adnan is innocent or not. Really makes you think about the criminal justice system as well.

Adnan had a secret girlfriend that his parents didn’t know about. When she went missing and then turned up dead, it fell on the ex-boyfriend Adnan. I’m thinking now as I write this about secrets. We all have them and like to pretend that we know them all when it comes to family maybe, but we might not even know our own secrets. We certainly all have limitations though, so that counts for something at least.

I’m sure that the greatest limitation I might have to date is not knowing how. I don’t know how to get to the “how” in my life that leads to a good job and good home. Things I want to do myself, even though I am struggling to find even part-time work let alone work-from-home type jobs. My mother said to me the other day (a note: My mother has been trying to get me married since I was twenty and the hints and questions that “its’ time” only increased as I got older) that I need to get married so I could just live on my husband’s insurance. This hit me like a slap in the face. I’m about to leave my parent’s insurance, something that if I had a good job would have been done long ago, so the topic of insurance comes up often these days. I don’t think my mother realizes how much I want to live for myself. The problem is that I haven’t even found myself yet, so you understand then why I kind of hate these prodding talks.

Unfortunately, its common in the South Asian community for parents to want their daughters married off at a certain age. Though, obviously that doesn’t really happen these days anymore but mothers everywhere still cling to hope. And no, I don’t want to be forever alone. I maybe even have a list in my head of what I prefer him to be like. [a lawyer, nice, same background maybe, a love of liberal arts, a friend first]. Ok, those last four just came to me but I somehow see myself with a lawyer but they usually seem to be older or not really what I’m looking for and my mother is naming off guys who are engineers or whatever. Anyway, I definitely see myself getting out of here and onto something better. Probably in a bigger city, possibly in another state, heck maybe even out of the country. All I know, is much like a similar post made this time last year: I want out.

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