In this particular moment I am at a crossroads. I am trying to decide whether it is in my best interest to travel, or just stay where I am and work on finding a steady job. Yes, travel is what I what. So. Much. But, I can’t push away the feeling that there is something out there for me–here. But, I just haven’t found it yet. But, at the same time I don’t know when I will or if I even will get whatever I want here (heck, I don’t even know what I’m looking for). OK, sorry, that’s a lot of “but’s.” I’m really uncertain. (I’m almost said “but” again). It’s hard. Change is hard and I think we all know that to some degree.
I want to write and everyday I think to myself, “I don’t really write enough.” I’m grateful for the people in my life now, but what happens in the future? I would like to have a chance to work somewhere I enjoy, with people that are great. I want to find that one person to spend my life with. I don’t want to end up alone, even though most days I already feel so alone. I’m not sure what steps to take next, but I know that my time is running out here. I need to think long and hard about what I want to do and think for real. I understand that not everything is about me, yet at the same time not everything is always going to be the same either. Everything happens for a reason, it’s just not always known right away (at least that’s what I’m told).
Anyway, back to the dilemna. I want to go with a group from school to Italy, but I am still so unsure. It’s time to make a decision though. Regarding not only insurance, but if anyone wants to come with me. Should I let my mom come with me? I wish I had more friends, this would allow for more options. It’s the opportunity, really of a lifetime. I can’t say that I will be spending all my time with my mother on the whole trip, but it would be nice to have someone there. I would not be so alone, while being alone with a group of people I barely know. I have one day to decide. This is important and I know that it doesn’t matter whether I go or not, but if I do go I will have to be thinking about things as well. Attending a meeting about it, if I make up my mind soon enough. Right now it might be a maybe. When I saw the email inviting me to go along, because of extra space I contacted the ladies in charge almost immediately if not right then. For me, making decisions is not definite which kills me and everyone else. I hate to keep people waiting, just like I hate to give up on myself but I probably am anyway. Whatever happens, happens. I only hope that I know what my reasons are and understand them fully.
“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” –E.B. White