It would seem that the world is on the brink of something again. Or maybe it always was and I just decided not to pay attention. Whichever way you look at it, from any angle, there is something turning. A quarter or two might have fallen into the age-old pot of desires and dreams that you think you have.
You don’t need to resolve to do anything if you can’t resolve why you got out of bed today. The simple things are the easy things that take time to do in everyday life. The things taken for granted which you don’t always think about, but matter so much.
So, ok maybe you don’t make goals. You wonder, though how to better yourself. How to be a better “version” of yourself, as people like to say. How, then to go about adjusting the sails on your thought boat?
Think of it this way: New hopes are not structured like goals might be, making them a bit hazier. So you have new hopes. You have low hopes and you have high hopes, but none of those hope-y things are really goals (at least, not in your mind).
So it’s likely that you’ll keep hoping and you’ll keep wondering your next step. It’s not something you or I will admit but we have a failure of being brave.
As I watched the Disney film Brave today, I was reminded that it takes courage to say what you want to do and mean it. It takes determination to want to do and be someone different. It might mean stepping outside of your comfort bubble, but when you do you will be more steadfast in your maybe goals for the future. Aren’t Disney movies great? I’m feeling exuberant about nothing and everything.
So, be hopeful. Be watchful. The world is waiting.
My life has changed dramatically in the past three months alone. I went from not being able to speak in front of a large group of people to doing it on the regular (still can’t really do it well though). I went from growing my self-confidence to doubting it all at same time. I learned so much and worked to apply all that I learned in sessions, however I faltered when it came to real-world scenarios. I was drifting someplace. To where I did not know and when I would stop I also did not know.
I’d like to say that I am on my way to figuring it out somewhat, but it is still taking me time to understand what I want from myself in order to be the most successful version of myself that I can be. Setting goals and prioritizing those goals is a work in progress. I haven’t lost sight of what I want the ultimate goal to be, however I fear that I am still an outsider in a world I do not understand. That the invisible wall surrounding this dream will break at any moment and all of it will come crashing down. However, another day comes and I know that I have not failed yet. I have instead found a way to embrace the failure and let myself not be dictated by what I should be doing vs. what I could be doing. It’s all relative anyway.
The title of this post reflects the feeling of being overwhelmed that overtakes me every day now. I am working on building myself up, but can’t seem to grow out of the fear that I will fail and fail miserably. But, it’s ok because I can’t expect to succeed quickly. I can’t expect to win at everything. I can expect that I will get better and try harder to learn more everyday. It’s the best I can hope for at this point.
I’m thinking lately about what it means to be a good person.
Am I a good person?
Is anyone really a good person?
The feeling you get when you realize you might be doing something bad washes over you in waves. The tide of judgement comes rolling in whenever this happens and you look down on yourself once again.
You say you’re a person with morals, with boundaries but you don’t always know what those are. You know what it means to have these things, but not necessarily what it means to have these things taken away from you. The promise of shelter and love is almost a given, that you forget it exists.
You pull out the weapon. It’s shiny and new, it’s easy to buy these days just head to the local shop. It stares at you in the face, your reflection just barely glinting through. It would seem as though you might have made a mistake about what you want. About what you need. You don’t know right away that the sirens are for you, but you listen and you know. And you cry and you nod.
Get help, seek help. Remember that you’re not alone is the main advice I would give to anyone searching in their hearts for why they need to live such a routine life.
But wait. Then you remember. Not everyone has these same luxuries, has these same thoughts flooding through their head. Not everyone feels as though they will always have support in anything they choose to do.
The feeling of knowing what you need to know and do is not always apparent. It’s sometimes hidden away, waiting for you to do what is right.
It would seem as thought like most people, I am looking for some type of reward. I probably won’t get it, at least not so easily. The good things don’t come quickly, they take time.
I feel that I am taking on more than I am able to handle both emotionally and physically. My whole mind is never on one thing. Sure, I might have that one goal of being happy and in a good place and job in my life yet I am not giving myself the credit I deserve. I’m downplaying my assets. I’m forgetting that I am worthy.
It’s ok if i cannot do it all. I already know that I will have at least tried to do most of the things I want to do. Planning out a day takes time and effort, which I sometimes feel as though I have none of. Persistence is key and something I’m still striving towards. Working everyday to remind myself that I’ll never get a new chance if I don’t try the one in front of me. Or, it’s ok to stop but remember to at least keep going. Always keep going.
Some people don’t work at all. Others far too much. Meanwhile, herds of people head to social media to put off meaningful work in exchange for the hope for meaningful interactions. Most of the time, it is a hopeless cause.
I know I work because I see it in my eyes. In the way I feel like I have no time for sleeping. I feel like not being productive is a waste of my own energy and time, though I find myself lulled by social media to be unproductive anyway. Time is meaningless unless used appropriately.
Don’t mean to make this post seem quite so sad sounding. If you’re reading this, then what are you doing to be well? Keep doing the good work. The hard work. No one else can do what you have to do yourself.
The word foreign can sound foreign or strange in itself. The meaning is the same in all all languages. It essentially translates to that which is different or country or language that is different from one’s own. Depending on where you are from, the word can also have different connotations that go along with it.
Maybe I’m foreign in my own skin. I am in love with being in new places, but never feel like I am where I need to be. Mostly because I haven’t yet found the place where I feel needed. My value of myself has not diminished with this fact, however, it leads me to think about what constitutes being foreign.
We’re all people and even though I might live miles away from a teacher in Asia, I know they also have to deal with students in a classroom. They also must create a plan to organize themselves. Now, that’s just a fantasy because these are ideals that I hope are similar but I know are not. What is similar is not always apparent because language gets in the way of making people think they are not able to communicate with those that are different.
Everyone (any age) should be trying to set themselves apart from the rest of the crowd. Be unique, do something different. Try a new food, talk to people in your community from Asia or South America. Your culture can be modified to include different perspectives and ideas. It requires modifying your mindset somewhat as well.
It might be hard to admit but we all have biases. We all have things that we will not admit make us feel differently than other things do. Maybe the person reading this is already beginning to think of their inert biases at this moment.
Foreign is not being able to recognize that what’s different is there and not knowing whether that thing is bad or good. Foreign is not being able to understand why you want to try something different, go someplace new, or even create new experiences.
It’s a feeling, it’s a moment. It’s ongoing, because we’re all foreign people in a foreign land.
It’s a known fact that hard things are hard. When faced with difficulty, it seems as though we try to forget it exists and harbour negative feelings in our heads. Just letting those thoughts permeate through whatever we are doing or trying to do. Failure becomes not an obstacle, but an absolute.
Despite setbacks, I think you owe yourself a round of applause. Go ahead, clap for yourself. I’ll wait.
Don’t forget that when you downplay the things you could not do, you diminish what you can do.
I’m not sure of your role or job, but you don’t have to let yourself feel as though you need to do it all. Yes, that is what most people say these days especially those that advocate for more mindful thinking or more productivity with less stress. Being productive means different things for different people. Maybe you, the person hoping to find some quiet inspiration reading this today, need to adjust your productivity levels. At least, find a way to know what is productive for you and why.
These are not just the small things. These are all bigger actors playing the role of motivator in your life. The actions you take make you an asset, good or bad. The values you seek make you honest or fair. Maybe you’re still seeking out what makes you valuable, however those that admire and think you are worth it will tell you otherwise. I will tell you otherwise and I don’t even know you.
So keep going. Remember to keep thinking of why and what your why is in regards to your life. It’s not always personal, but usually it is.
What it means to do that is not always an easy road. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you enjoy in order to begin doing the things that you know will lead to great joy . Maybe this means you need to give up on a great job in favor of an amazing opportunity. In a time when doors are slowly opening for you, will you close the door or open it?
Since we’re talking about me here, I’ll open the door. Not without a little pondering first though. A little thinking on my part that is what I’m doing even worth my time? It’s one of those killer thoughts, that keeps you up at night staring at the ceiling and around your room, squinting in the dark at various things in your room. So, do I take the leap of faith or pretend that it will be fine if I do not?
The worst that can happen is that I will fail and fail miserably. This is not a hypothesis, its a fact. The greatest that can happen is that I will just barely succeed, because uncertainty is the brink of all meltdowns. Someone might be on the brink of one soon, if they don’t figure out how to help everyone at the same time.
Isn’t that what all the good people want? To help everyone? Well, help most people anyway (we can’t help them all; a fact that must be acknowledged). I want to help those that feel like they need help but don’t know how to ask for it. I want to give others the push they didn’t know they needed, because it will also give me that push.
Since I am still giving myself that push to push others, I will make myself do the hard things. The hard things are hard for a reason. In times of difficulty, I’ll work hard to stay strong.
I’ll work hard to make sure I am still doing what makes me happy and what I truly love.
There are good people and there are bad people. There are occasionally those that are in-between, however they are usually on the verge of going in either direction.
I like to imagine people with their flaws as part of them, not aside from them. Understanding humans complexly is a rare thing for an ordinary person to decipher, however this does not mean one cannot try.
The problem is that every person is different. Or maybe this is a great challenge or triumph. Why would anyone want to be the same anyway? might be what most people think, including you reading this. The fact of the matter is that people want to be lifted up, to be able to understand what makes others around them tick, grow weak, cry or feel pain. You might think you know those around you best, however it is those around us that we can sometimes know the least.
Personal life vs. private life are not same when it comes to conversing with an ordinary person we do not know well. We might share details such as “I like to ride bikes, go for runs, and draw in my free time.” A person could also say “I enjoy eating, shopping, sleeping, or spending time with family and friends.” What about those cracks though? Will you ever know that Karen from work is struggling in her marriage? No, you might not not even if you were her neighbor. Will you ever know that someone lives on a friend’s house and has been for several months or that your an achieving young girl or boy accepted into Ivy League schools is going through a deep depression and feels like ending it. Lastly, you might never know how your parents really feel about each other and whether they are happy with their lives.
So be a good person if you have to be something. Be a person that knows that pushing themselves is not always going to lead to anything substantial. At times, stress melts away any productivity you might have been aiming for.
Be well, stay well. Reach for a helping hand. Yes, the hands are ready to pull you in tight.